Harry Potter and the place title here
by Majik Beaver
Summary: Christmas break leaves Harry Potter and his friends bored. To humor himself, Dumbledore forces the students that stayed over break to participate in a murder mystery party. Singing, pawprints, and a Wal-Mart stop all lead to the climax of this madness!
1. chess, boredom, and Dr Suess

A/N: Hi! Omg...this is my first fanfic...I will welcome any reviews...even flames :). So please review and tell me what you think.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing...even the plot is based on the game of clue hangs head in shame.

Chapter One:

**__**

Chess, Boredom, and Dr. Suess

  
  
It was a dark and stormy....uhhh...morning. It was the second week of Christmas break. Hogwarts was almost deserted. A crack of lightning flashes momentarily lighting up the common room to reveal Harry and Ron absorbed in a game of chess.   
  
"I'm bored," said Ron. Harry looked up at Ron with a blank expression on his face.  
  
"I'm....sorry?" he replied. Ron looked at Harry like he was crazy.  
  
"But aren't you bored!?!?!?!?!?!" Ron demanded as he grabbed Harry's robes and shook him violently. Harry was dazed and confused. As Ron shook him, he became violently sick and barfed on Ron. Ron, disgusted, pushed Harry back on his couch and ran off to the bathroom.  
  
"Ugh!" Harry groaned as he hit the couch. "I'm bored."  
  
Just then, Fawkes dove in the window and crashed into Harry's head.  
  
"Ow," Harry grunted. "Hmm, a note," he remarked looking at two letters tied to Fawkes' leg.  
  
At that moment, Ron emerged from the bathroom with large, fuschia stains on his robes. Harry stared at Ron's robes and disgruntled face with a look of confusion.  
  
"Funny, I don't remember eating grapes," he stated monotonously. "Oh yeah, we got some little note deal type things from the big guy." He handed Ron his note from Dumbledore and opened his own. Written on the note, in Dumbledore's loopy handwriting was:  
  
_Harry, report to my office immediately._  
  
He looked up at Ron and saw his face reflecting his own thoughts of anxiety.  
  
"Darn it, knew I shouldn't have given one of Fred and George's creations to the house elves," Ron groaned as he slapped himself on the forehead.  
  
"Let's go then," Harry breathed, "and by the way, Hermione would be very disappointed in you right now."  
  
Ron cried while they walked to the office, causing him to walk into a statue of the Cat in the Hat.  
  
"What the bloody hell is that?" Ron exclaimed in pain as he held a hand to his now bloody eye.  
  
"Damn Dr. Suess. Just keep walking," Harry retorted.

Harry and Ron finally reached the statue of the gargoyle, when they realized they didn't know the password.  
  
"Droobles Best Blowing Gum…..erm…..Chocolate Frogs.….Bertie Botts Every Flavored on, man!!!!!" Harry pleaded with the inanimate object.  
  
Ron was pounding his head against the wall. "Stupid old wanker changing his friggin' password every five seconds!!!!!!!" At this, the gargoyle sprang aside to reveal the staircase. Ron looked surprised at this. "Oh...okay....that was...odd" he looked at Harry.

"Shall we Milady?"

This earned Ron a punch in his already bloody eye.  
  
Harry was mumbling inaudible things as he ascended the staircase. Ron could only catch smidgens of what he was saying. "git....stupid....queer....bloody....damned Dr. Suess…" Ron just shook his head and kept walking.  
  
Harry knocked on the large wooden door before entering to see Hermione, Ginny, Fred and George, Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid were sitting on the various couches. Draco was chained to the wall with an apple in his mouth as he violently fought his binds with a look of pure fear in his eyes as Hagrid looked at him lovingly. Ron broke the odd silence first.  
  
"What the bloody....?" But before he was finished Hermione sprang and slapped her hand over his mouth.  
  
"Language, Weasley!" she said before skipping back to her seat.  
  
Harry and Ron followed Hermione back to the couch and flopped down between her and Ginny. Dumbledore coughed to get everyone's attention.  
  
"Harry, Ron, so nice of you to join us. Please have a seat."

Bewildered, Harry and Ron stood up and sat down again.

"Well, now that everyone is here, I'm sure you are all wondering as to why you have been called here. Well the truth is...I am bored out of my mind!!! And to make myself happy, you shall all partake in my game. Mwahahahaha.....oh...sorry." He gave a small cough.

Well the game we shall play to pass the time on this dark and stormy day..." as if cued, lightning flashed, giving the room an eerie appearance, "is a murder mystery game. Has anyone ever partaken in one before?" Dumbledore asked as he tapped his fingertips together and leaned back in his chair, with that damned twinkle in his eyes.  
  
Draco, who had been struggling to free himself the whole time, bit a chunk out of the apple in his mouth and spit it out.

"HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER!! ARE YOU INSANE?!?!"  
  
Dumbledore said, "Well, Draco, how nice of you to join us. Please, have a seat."

This leading to a string of curse words in another language on Draco's part.

"Well then, if there are no objections, I will now assign you your roles and your partners," he stated, blatantly ignoring Draco's protests.  
  
"What the bloody..."Ron said, just before Hermione covered his mouth again.  
  
"Language, Ron, Language!!" Hermione chastised.  
  
Dumbledore stood and started to skip around the group hitting each person on the head. As he smacked Harry, he squealed "goose!" Harry just stared at him in utter confusion.

"Oh...sorry...wrong game...Harry you are the professor. Here is your costume." Dumbledore giggled.

He continued his way around the room giving everyone their costume and character assignment. The characters stood as thus:  
  
Dumbledore: _Crazy Old Man_  
  
Hagrid: _Egor-like Servant to Crazy Old Man_  
  
Sirius: _Butler to Crazy Old Man_  
  
Remus: _Cook to Crazy Old Man_  
  
Harry: _a Professor_  
  
Ron: _Some Random Millionaire_  
  
Hermione: _Movie Star_  
  
Fred and George: _the Detectives_  
  
Ginny: _The French Maid_  
  
Draco: _a Vacuum Salesman_  
  
After Dumbledore gave everyone their character assignment and their costumes, he skipped merrily to his door.

Turning on his heel, he stated "Meet me in the library at noon."

He kissed his hand, waved like a princess, bowed, and swept out of the room leaving everyone to gape at the door.  
  
"What the bloody..." Ron was stopped by a punch in his already bloody eye from Hermione.  
  
"WATCH THE DAMNED LANGUAGE, WEASLEY!!!"

A/N: Well...what do you think? Please review and let me know...thank you! I love you all!


	2. would you be a doll and pass the rum ple...

Disclaimer: I own nothing...nor does my partner in crime, Ale the auror (my co-author...I love you man). All credit goes to our favorite author (polite applause): J.K. Rowling!  
  
A/N: I am so happy! I got reviews! Omg....you people rock! I love you all! I got six reviews...my co-author also loves you! Party on, man! And keep the reviews coming!

Chapter 2:

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Would you be a doll and pass the rum please?

"Damn stupid old cracker, what the hell was he thinking? A mystery party game? I've told him to lay off those damn lemon drops." Harry grumbled to himself as he emerged from the bathroom wearing his professor costume. "What the heck is up with this costume? It's purple! God I hate that old geezer!"

Ron also came out in his costume as well. "I don't know, Harry. I kinda like these costumes." He stated as he adjusted his monocle and his pimp cane.

Just then, Hermione and Ginny bumped into them into the hall. Hermione was dressed like Marilyn Monroe and Ginny looked like a French maid out of a porno.

"Ron...you look like the monopoly man." Hermione snorted in between her fits of giggles. "That's hilarious."

"Aw, and you look like an alligator." Ron shot back turning red. Hermione just sat in confusion, completely missing whatever insult he had tried to throw at her.

Then Ron looked at Harry who was staring at Ginny funny. He then realized why and punched Harry. "Ginny! You're dressed like a whore! Quit staring Harry!" Ron then kicked Harry. Harry cried.

The four strolled down the corridor leading to the library, Harry grumbling about his costume, bruised knee, and occasionally sneaking glances at Ginny when Ron wasn't looking. Ron pimp-walked down the hallway, while Hermione looked at him like he was an idiot, and Ginny just nodded and smiled.

Rounding, a corner, they saw what appeared to be something very green.

"It's the jolly-green giant!!" Harry exclaimed. "Can I have some asparagus? That stuff is good."

"Shut up Harry, it's not the jolly-green giant, it's just Malfoy," Hermione explained. Ron, Ginny, and Draco all looked confusedly at Hermione and Harry, but neither explained.

Harry snorted. "Nice costume, Malfoy."

Draco sneered, "Yours too, Potter, purple really suits you, with your personality and all."

Harry twitched, then ran off too the nearest bathroom, sobbing and shouting "I….AM….NOT……GAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!"

But, unfortunately, in Harry's fit, he ran into the doorframe and was knocked unconscious. Everyone stared.

"Rrrrrriiiggghhhhttt...oh well. Malfoy, help me drag Harry to the library," Ron said as he grabbed Harry under the arms and tried to pull him down the hall.

Draco snorted, "Cha, right. I just washed my hands."

With that, Draco turned on his heel and went to leave. But an oddly placed puddle of water caused him to slip. Draco cried. Filch rounded the corner with a mop.

"Stupid ruddy kids! Messy messy messy!" A vein bulged in his temple as he shook his finger in Draco's face before he smacked him with the mop and left. Draco cried some more.

Malfoy then got up and ran like a little girl to the library. "Well, that helped a lot," Ron said as he tried to pull Harry. "Damn! What did Harry eat today?"

Hermione slapped Ron, grabbed Harry's wrist, and easily dragged him down the hall.

"Wimp" she grumbled.

Ginny just shrugged and followed Hermione down the hall.

When they arrived at the library, everyone else was already there. Fred and George were dressed like the men in black, and were standing in a vacant corner as they glared at everyone suspiciously.

Situated on one side of the library was a bar, where Dumbledore sat, calmly sipping sherry. His costume consisted of a crushed blue-velvet suit, a frilly lace cravat, Italian boots, and thick black glasses, as well as a set of teeth that were old, yellow, and crooked.

"Dude, booze," Ron commented. At this, Harry awoke and sat up.

"Booze? Where?" Harry said, looking around, before his eyes landed on the bar, and he got a manic glint in his eye. "Must…have….alcohol…."

He began crawling towards the bar, but he had only made it a few feet before Hermione stood in front of him, blocking his path. "Hermione, I'm gonna have to ask you to step aside. You're standing in the way of me, and, well, alcohol….ugh….."

Hermione looked at him in disgust. "Harry Alabastard Potter (A/N: I know that's not his middle name but in this fic, it is just cuz I like it J )!! You are 16 years old. You should know better than that!!"

At this she turned on her heel, strolled over to the bar and poured herself a martini. "Ladies first," she said simply, while sipping at her martini.

"Gor blimey! Hermione! I had no idea....will you be a doll and pass us the rum please?" Harry said giving her his most charming smile. Which, for the record, isn't that charming.

"Ahem ahem."

All heads turned to look at Dumbledore. "I just think that it's just groovy that all you cats came to my party! Yeah baby!"

"Dear god, man! Please lay off the Austin Powers imitations! You suck at them!" Hermione fell to her knees and pleaded.

"Oh fine! Burst my bubble then! Butthead!!!!!! Anyways, if there are no more interruptions," Dumbledore glared pointedly at Hermione. "I will continue. I will now be assigning your partners and the cards you will get will have your partner's name and your first location to search for clues." He then did this funky dance as he passed out the cards.

"Now we will begin the game."

Lightning flashed to reveal Dumbledore's manic expression.

"Whoop Dee Doo! But what does it all mean, man?" Harry said with slurred words and rum on his breath as he swung the bottle above his head.

"I think we're supposed to find all the fuschia bun-hippos so's we can get all the mashed peas….mm, peas," Ron said with a happy grin on his face.

He then threw his arm around Harry and gave him a very serious look. "You know, I always thought you were real purdy. Will you marry me, Harry? I wanna have your children."

This slightly sobered Harry up, and he slowly turned his head to look at Ron. One eyebrow was cocked, in a quizzical expression, and he slurred "'Scuse me?"

"Please Harry? It's my dream." He then grabbed Harry's hand and waist, and began doing a waltz, attempting to sing the Cinderella song _So This is Love?_

Harry freed himself from Ron's grasp and punched him in his good eye, so that he stumbled backward, into Hermione. She, in turn, got up and pulled Ron to his feet.

"Ron, I think you've had enough to drink. Give me the bottle." She wrestled the bottle of rum out of his grasp and began chugging it.

"Hey you stupid evil bitch whore!! That's mine!!" Ron shouted at her. Hermione simply looked at him, and punched him in his eye. He cried. Again.

A/N: I am so happy that I got good reviews for the first chapter! So I would like to take a moment to thank you all. Ahem....thank you all! Ok...well that wasn't so bad. smiles I love you all! And I would like to mention you:  
  
Senya Starseeker: I get no greater pleasure than making someone laugh. :) Thank you so much!  
  
Mystic-angle: Why thank you! You flatter me! I bow to you.... bows  
  
GracieBaby: I would love to have a beta reader...actually I don't know what one is...but if you would like to be mine...I would love you to :)  
  
Kotoko: A craftsman always likes to hear that her work is appreciated...I love you!  
  
Thanks again! Keep it coming you genius critics! Review....AWAY!!!!! grabs rope and swings away


	3. the electric collar of doom!

A/N: I love you people! You make my co-author and me feel so very happy! Reviews make us happy! And I was so happy to get such good reviews from you people! Our insanity is such a people pleaser that we plan to keep it up! :)

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter. We do not own some of the quotes in our fic as well. Some of them come from the great Mike Myers. bows to his greatness But anyways. On with the show!

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Chapter 3:

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The Electric Collar of Doom!

Hermione just stared. "So…anyway…" was the only thing she could manage.

Ron looked at her with his good eye, and his eyes widened, "My god, Hermione! You are so extremely beautiful!" He grabbed her hands and looked deeply into her eyes. Hermione, shocked, slapped him. Ron fell down. Ron cried.

"Ooookaaayyy! If we are through, we shall begin the game," Dumbledore said as that friggin lightning flashed again. He sat in a large overstuffed chair and swirled his sherry in his glass.

"Hello and thank you all for coming on such short notice. I am Jack Kass, and I will be your host during your stay at my oddly placed mansion on a deserted, haunted island."

Oddly placed crack of thunder

"I asked you all here to discuss my will. I am afraid that I have no heir and all of my estate will be lost unless I get one. I asked you here for this purpose: the one of you who can stay in Kass Manor for the night without being killed by the evil, carnivorous chipmunks that carry pink umbrellas, or simply undergoing an eccentric and overly-elaborate death will be my heir."

"That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" Draco sniggered.

"Oh really? Is that a fact?" Dumbledore said sipping his drink. "Well then, to make the game more realistic..." with a wave of his wand everyone was wearing a collar. "These collars, if any of you gets out of character, will zap the crap out of you."

"You cheated," Draco complained. He was quickly zapped. "OWWW! MAN! THAT BLOODY FRIGGIN HURT!" This earned him another zap. Draco cried.

"Hahahaha...I think that's bloody brilliant man," Ron said in a drunken stupor. "You are a genius, Mr. Kass!"

"Well...thank you...I guess," Dumbledore said with a confused expression on his face.

"Hahahaha...Yes, but if you were feeling quiddly why not just have a J.Arthur?" Ron slurred.

Everyone blatantly ignored Ron.

"But professor," zap! "OW! I mean...Mr. Kass, what are we supposed to be doing here?" Harry asked, now sober.

"Well if one of you makes it through the night in my oddly placed haunted, deserted, and otherwise retarded mansion you will inherit my fortune," Dumbledore quipped. (A/N: quipped is such a cool word! Hehehe…)

"Oh....okay…" as Harry said this, the lights went out and there was a really sissy-ass squeal from Dumbledore. As the lights came back on...everyone saw Dumbledore's chair flipped over and him lying on the floor with his tongue hanging out.

Ginny, with one eyebrow raised, leaned over to Harry. "Is he supposed to be dead?…I suppose we'd better play along then." With that, Ginny collapsed on the floor and cried.

When everyone looked at her strangely she winked at them and continued her crying. Catching on, there was a collective gasp from everyone.

"Monsieur! Who has done this to you?" Ginny sobbed trying to sound sad and French, and failing miserably at both.

"Rrrriiiggghhhhtttt...well I say we split up and look for 'clues'," Harry said doing quotation marks in the air. "If we split up, we'll find more 'clues'. So Ginny you come with me, Ron go with Hermione, Fred with George, Sirius with Remus," (A/N: I was asked why I kept Sirius in the story...I don't care if he's dead...oh sorry...I'm not supposed to use spoilers am I? oh well...sue me! mwahahaha...ok...but he's like my favorite character...so deal with it...he's staying...though him and Remus are just kinda there...they do nothing), "and Malfoy with Hagrid. Is that everybody? Ok, good. Let's go then. Ginny and I have the kitchens."

Harry grabbed Ginny and they set off towards the kitchens. Everyone else left on their separate ways...well, Draco was dragged off by Hagrid while he grabbed everything in his path in an attempt to escape this horrible fate.

This left Ron, Hermione, and Dumbledore, who was still pretending to be dead, in the library.

"Well I guess we'll search here first. I assume there have been clues set out to lead us to who the "killer" is. So let's look shall we?" Hermione sighed to a drunken Ron.

"Whatever you say, love. I'll do whatever you need me to do," Ron slurred while making kissy faces and walked into the wall.

Hermione just turned around and started digging through the bookshelves looking for anything that wasn't a book. She was startled by a scream from Ron.

She turned to see that Dumbledore had gotten up, walked up behind Ron, and said "BOO" as Ron studied an oddly shaped stone in the wall.

"Dumbledore!" Zap! "OW! Damnit! Mr. Kass! Whatever are you doing?" Hermione screeched.

"Well, my dear, it's quite boring being dead...so I decided to be a ghost. Boo!" with that, Dumbledore...uh...Mr. Kass ran off down the corridors going "whoooo whoooooo!" and moaning like an imbecile.

"Ron...are you okay?" Hermione asked, with slight concern.

"No worries, love," Ron choked.

"Uh...god! Quit calling me "love" you ass!" all sign of concern now gone from her voice.

A/N: Sorry it took me like...uhhh...four days to post....I think...my co-author is out of town so I wrote this one all by myself...so it might not be as funny...I tried my best...but I didn't have anyone to say "man...that's not funny...don't do that." So I'm sorry ahead of time...I have no faith in myself...oh well! Just review and let me know of my faux pas, or however you spell that...I don't even know what that means...well I think I do...oh well. Just review. I'll stop now.


	4. mer man! man from the sea!

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, nor do we own some of the quotes, some of which belong to Mike Myers winky bows…ale stares and to respective television shows.

A/N: If anyone would like to be emailed when we update, just let us know in a REVIEW!! (heh heh…cheap way to get reviews….i know) and ale will email you when we do.

Also….thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews!!!! We love them so much!!!! They make us happy!!!!! We love you!!!!! And btw… skjfbgb-draco is being chased by a gay asshole…so a d/hr or d/g relationship would be a lil difficult…sry….BUT THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS!! WE LOVE YOU!!! WE HAVE 20 REVIEWS!! (yes that sounds pathetic, but to us, its really really great!! J ) THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!

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Chapter 4:

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Mer Man!! Man From the Sea!!

Meanwhile…

Harry and Ginny, hand in hand, ran to the kitchens...but on the way, they stopped to chat.

"So…..Harry…How's life?" Ginny asked.

"Uhh...s'good i suppose…I can't complain," he replied, nonchalantly.

"Oh!! I just remembered!! Did you hear about that escaped gazelle from the zoo?" Ginny questioned.

"Uhh…..no, I don't think I did..…Is that bad?" Harry asked.

"Oh, yeah! It was running around and setting people on fire with its heat vis-…"

Just then Harry and Ginny were knocked down by a blurred figure.

"Oww! What the bloody hell was that?" Harry yelled.

Just then Dumbledore turned around and came back toward them at high speed.

"Whoooooo! Whoooooo! I am the ghost of Christmas nothing! Whoooo! I am sooo coooool! Gooooo Dumbledore!!!!" He proceeded to do a lil jiggy dance and to do the cabbage patch.

Dumbledore then glided away, looking for the other unsuspecting players, and doing that damn "whoooo".

Harry and Ginny continued down the corridor, but were stopped at the entrance to the kitchen corridor by a giant frog that jumped out at them and spoke to them in a mystic voice, while playing a ukulele.

"Thou shalt not cross unless thou can answer my questions three.…" the frog then raised its eyebrows, pursed its mouth and moved his head in a circle with an inquiring look on his face.

"Err…ok?…" Harry replied.

"Very good. My first question is, and if thou shalt get two questions wrong, thou shalt never pass into ye corridor…Very well then…..My first questioneth iseth: Where are you?" The toad gave another inquiring, and intimidating look.

"Aw, damn. I'm not really sure, but I'll take a stab in the dark….Never-never land?" Harry guessed.

"Muahaha…...NO!! Thou art wrongeth!! And my old-English is patheticeth!! The correcteth answereth is Hogwarts!!" The toad smiled maliciously.

Harry and Ginny looked at each other, both with looks of astonishment on their faces, and shrugged their shoulders.

"Thou hast one striketh. Moving on…My next questioneth is: What was the middle name of the third king in the longest running monarchy in France?" The toad, once again, smiled wickedly.

Harry snorted. "Are you kidding me? That's an easy one!! Everyone knows that!!"

Ginny nodded her head in agreement and Harry continued. "It's Susie!! Duh!!" Harry and Ginny both smiled triumphantly and high fived each other.

"Very well. Thou hast answered one questioneth correcteth and one questioneth wrongeth. Now for the last question. What is your favorite color?" The toad cackled evilly, with a (once again) wicked grin on his face.

Harry pondered this a moment, then said "I'm gonna have to go with cerulean blue…no!! melon.…wait!! chartreuse.…you know, I've always had a soft spot for tickle-me pink..."

Ginny cut him off and said "Well, my favorite color is lime green, and it really depends on who you are asking, so if you could just step aside, and let us through please?" she said, gesturing with her hand for the toad to move aside.

The toad cried. Then he walked through the wall, dragging his ukulele behind him, apparently upset they had managed to get past him.

Ginny and Harry continued down to the kitchens. As they walked, they heard a blood-curdling scream. Harry quivered in fear and Ginny jumped in front of him to protect him.

Just then, they saw a screaming Malfoy run into the dungeons with Hagrid hot on his tail. They continued to stare and a moment later Malfoy and Hagrid were followed by Dumbledore.

"WHOOOOOOO WHOOOOO WHOOOOO! FEAR ME FEEBLE LIVE ONES! I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS! NO PRESENTS FOR YOU! WHOOOOOO!" he screamed at the top of his lungs as he chased Hagrid and Draco.

Ginny and Harry stood there with their mouths hanging open. Ginny was shocked and Harry could only manage "Rrrrriiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt".

"Whatever…let's go," Ginny said and furnished Harry a leash and pulled him down the hallway.

When Ginny tickled the pear at the entrance to the kitchens, Harry hid behind her.

"Harry, what the hell are you doing?" Ginny said, confused.

"I'm uhhh…..uhh...honestly….do you really want to know?"

Ginny nodded.

"Well, lately, when I come down here...Dobby has been acting strangely. Stranger than usual anyways. He's been talking like Mike Tyson….all high pitched and junk. And he's acting….well...how to put this? Faggish.

Just then, the portrait swung open, and Dobby stood in the entrance, with a sly grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

"Oh, helloooooo Harry Potter!! Dobby is just so overjoyed that Harry Potter is here!! Dobby is having the worst dilemma!! Dobby can't decide if Dobby should wear the pink skirt or the purple one. What does Harry Potter think?" Dobby looked up at him as he held two skirts, and then gazed at Harry's costume. "My, that color looks ravishing on you, darling!"

Harry grimaced and ducked behind Ginny, when he had an idea. In order to scare the fag away he grabbed Ginny by the waist, dipped her down, and snogged her...he snogged her rotten baby, yeah!

Dobby's eyes grew wide in horror, then began to fill with tears. "But, but, Harry Potter sir! Dobby thought that Harry Potter had feelings for little Dobby!! Dobby is heartbroken!! Oh, woe is...Dobby!!" Dobby cried.

Dobby sobbed and fled down the hallway screaming, holding the pink and purple skirts in his hands. "Dobby thought that Harry Potter understood Dobby and was like him!! Dobby shall never love again!!"

Harry and Ginny were still snogging but broke away and looked just in time to see Dobby be tackled by Dumbledore.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOOO! DAMNIT! BE SCARED! I'M TRYING! GIVE ME SOME FRIGGIN CREDIT! I'M NOT A REAL GHOST! WHOOOOOOOO!"

"Dobby is sorry master!! But Dobby is heartbroken!! Harry Potter does not love Dobby as Dobby loves him, sir!!" Dobby peered up at Dumbledore with watery eyes. "But Dobby must admit that master does look good in crushed velvet. Dobby will always be of help if master is in need of his…services.…" Dobby then winked up at Dumbledore.

"Um, thank you Dobby…er….I'll get back to you on that….don't call me, I'll call you.…" Dumbledore replied, then promptly turned on his heel, and ran away, screaming.

"WHOOOOOO!!!! FEAR ME DAMNIT!!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Ginny looked up at Harry with pink cheeks and a smile on her face, and he said, through clenched teeth, "….I...AM….NOT...GAY!!!!!"

"Of course not, we all know that," Ginny replied and then, to Harry's surprise, kissed him on the cheek. (A/N: all together now-AWWWWWW)

Harry giggled insanely and Ginny picked him up, threw him over her shoulder, and toted him into the kitchens. They looked around for a while before they saw a house elf with a large blue paw print on its forehead! Dun na na!

"Ginny, look!! A clue!! A clue!!" Harry exclaimed, jumping up and down and pointing at the house elf.

"How can you tell, Harry?" Ginny asked.

"Because he has a blue paw print on him!! Duh!!" Harry said with a huge grin. "We need our handy-dandy notebook!!" He then proceeded to pull a notebook out of his pocket with a picture of a Gryffindor armchair on the front, pulled a crayon out of the spiral of the notebook, and drew the house-elf.

"Well, that's our first clue, kids. Now we just need two more clues and then we go to our...THINKING CHAIR!!" Harry said, apparently speaking to some unknown audience in the general direction of the table. (A/N: I said respective TV shows, not respectable.).

Harry then looked at Ginny with his wide smile, and she just stared at him in shock, before saying "Rrrrrriiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhtttttt…moving right along..."

Before they left, they got a hefty supply of chocolate as a snack to help them on their quest.

Ginny and Harry emerged from the kitchens in a chocolate high! Whoooo! Chocolate! But they screamed at the sight that lay before them....

There in the hallway lay Dumbledore, him and his saggy skinned self, wearing a coconut bra and with a fin.

Harry retched. Ginny retched also. Then Harry retched again after watching Ginny retch. Just then, Hermione and Ron also appeared in the hallway. Ron laughed hysterically in his drunken stupor.

"Look, love! A merman!" he slurred. He then proceeded to fall on the floor and convulse in laughter.

Dumbledore jumped up and waved his hands hysterically in the air.

"MER MAN!!!!! MAN FROM THE SEA!!!!! FEAR ME!!!!!" (A/N: A comedian did the merman thing on Conan O'Brien once and i laughed until I almost soiled myself and I lie there convulsing in tears and laughter...you see? I am insane).

Dumbledore then rose and took off down the hallways yelling obscenities in Klingon.

Harry, Hermione, and Ginny all stared at each other in shock, but Ron simply looked at Hermione lovingly and said, "You're hair, it's so shiny, and…and poofy…..can I touch it?"

With that, he reached out and began to pet Hermione's head. She gave him an odd look, and then punched him.

A/N: Ok…this is ale this time…so that's the end of the fourth chapter. Hope you liked it!! J

SO REVIEW!! Please? I really really really really like reviews…they make me all giddy and happy like…so…yeah….review!! And let us know what you thought!! And don't forget, if you wanna be put on the email list to be emailed about updates, just REVIEW and let us know!! Uhh….have a nice day…..or something….

Don't forget to review J


	5. Coconuts and Wizards

A/N: we are sooooooo terribly utterly sorry and we grovel to you, our beloved readers. You see, my co-author and I have started school(bleagh) about 5 weeks ago and have not had a spare moment since because we are both in the honors school and get a shitload of work...so we are really really really really really really really really really really sorry!!!!!! Please forgive us!!!!! And review!!!!! We love you so much!!!!! Muah!!!.enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: we don't own nething you recognize  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The punches seemed to have begun to bounce off Ron. Cause he just kept laughing like he didn't realize she like slugged him. It was like he had a thick layer of rubber on his face. Harry ran up to Ron.  
  
"Let's see who you really are, Mr......." Harry proceeded to pull off Ron's face. "Why it's old man Whithers the guys who owns the haunted amusement park!"  
  
Ginny grabbed Harry around the waist, "Good one, Shaggy." Old man Whithers looked mad and he pulled off his face to reveal Ron.  
  
Ron slurred in his anger, "Geez you guys! Didn't you ever think that a person could wear two masks! It was me all the time! Gosh!" Everyone stared. Hermione just went up and bitch slapped him.  
  
"Well normal people don't wear two masks, retard!"  
  
Ron then proceeded to cry and looked at Hermione and said "m'sry ma'am...." He put on his best puppy-dog face and whimpered.  
  
Hermione just looked at him and said "Shut up you mangy mutt!! You're sad face sucks ass!!" Then stomped off.  
  
Ron watched her walk away, then turned to Harry and Ginny, smiling smugly, and said "Oh yeah.....she wants me......" then ran after Hermione.  
  
Ginny and Harry just stared at each other, then skipped off following the yellow floor tiles, while singing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz...We hear he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was....if ever or whever a wiz there was...the wizard of oz is one because....because because because because BECAUSE.....because of the wonderful things he does!!!" that led them to......dun na na......THE GREAT HALL!!  
  
As they entered the Great Hall, they both stopped in their tracks in fear. "Dear god.......that is the scariest thing I've ever seen...I'm scarred for life...." Ginny whispered in a strained voice.  
  
"What?" Harry asked, "the stay-puff marshmallow man eating that house-elf a la mode?"  
  
"No!!!" Ginny whispered, horrified, "that other thing...."  
  
"What?" he asked again, "those ice-dancing gorillas in spandex with miniature harps?"  
  
"NO!!!" Ginny whispered again, "next to the ice-dancing gorillas in spandex with miniature harps!!"  
  
"OH DEAR GOD!!!!!!" Harry shouted, "MY EYES!!! THEY BURN!!!!!! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?!?!?! IN HOGWARTS?!?!?! JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IN A DIAPER SERENADING PROFESSOR SNAPE?!?!?! WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO?!?!?! IS THERE NO JUSTICE?!?! NO MERCY?!?!?!" Harry then promptly collapsed and Ginny went to go get some much needed alcohol and weed.  
  
Fred and George came around the corner to find Ginny and Harry rolling joints in the hall with their parchment. "Ginny, dear, what are you doing?"  
  
Ginny jumped in astonishment cause she didn't hear them come up. She recovered quickly and put on her innocent face and said, "Harry and I are writing down the clues we've found."  
  
Fred came up and got in her face and said, "I hear you're not using your paper for writing, but for ROLLING DOOBIES!!! AND THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR DOOBIE ROLLING, WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!" Harry, who was already wasted, looked at Fred in a half-sleepy, half- shocked, and half-maniacal way.  
  
George came up and slapped Harry. "That's three halves, bitch! Get it right!"  
  
"Sorry man......whooooa.....yeah.....hey........you wanna have some o' this macaroni. This is some goooood shit dawg......" Harry slurred.  
  
"No way dude," George replied "I don't smoke that shit....that stuff is weak....." He then whipped out an apple and ate it. "Now that's the shit, man.......whoooooa dude..." George got a glazed look, and then became panicked, looking around frantically at Fred, Ginny, and Harry. "We have to go!!!!! They're coming!!!!!!! THE THREE-LEGGED AQUAMARINE ICE CREAM SHOOTING ELEPHANTS ARE COMING!!!!!!! RUUUUUUUN!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" George took off down the corridor, Fred shrugged, and followed.  
  
Ginny and Harry looked at each other, struggling to open their eyes, and sneezed.  
  
Meanwhile.....  
  
Ron and Hermione were walking through the corridors, going to the next site of their clue. Hermione saw an oddly placed coffee maker, and went and poured two cups. "Here," she said to Ron, while holding out a cup, "drink it."  
  
Ron, still drunk, took it and managed to only get half of it in his mouth. "Gawd I love chicken wine!!" he exclaimed, finishing his cup. Hermione rolled her eyes, and went to pour him another cup. After his fourth cup, Ron was finally somewhat sober and thinking straight.  
  
Ron looked around him, "Where the hell am I?", he mumbled. Hermione just rolled her eyes and slapped him. Ron cried.  
  
"Eh my gaw, Ron!! I completely forgot that I have something sooooo important to tell you!! See, this summer at band camp."  
  
Ron turned and stared at Hermione, "That reminds me of a story that is in no way related. I really wish I had a dancing monkey. He would wear a little vest and a fez. I would have a little music box that plays Bohemian Rhapsody and I would crank it and he would dance. I would dress like Dieter from Sprockets and I would call him Heindrick. I would look at him and go 'come hither, Heindrick' and he would scurry over and jump onto my shoulder. Then I would send him to go dance and he would jump around and people would give him tips. Yes. It is one small step towards my total conquer of the world!!! mwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! mwahahahahahahahahaha!!! mwahahahahahahahaha!!! mwahahaha! mwahaha! mwaha! There....it passed" Hermione glared at Ron.  
  
"Bitch...do not interrupt me in a conversation because I would not do it to you!" Hermione slapped Ron. Ron cried.  
  
"Come on, dumbass, we gotta get to our next clue," Hermione said.  
  
She then said to him "Come!! Let us dance like children of the night!!" and leaped away, with Ron trying to dance like a child of the night, but failing, following behind her.  
  
On their way, the saw a coconut tree growing out of the wall. Ron stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the tree in awe, before he began to take coconuts off the tree, and sat them in a row. Sitting down in front of his new coconut friends, he began to sing a new song. "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedaleedee....there they are standing in a row, bum bum bum.....big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!!"  
  
Ron gazed upon his new coconut friends with tears in his eyes, "They are sooooo.......beautiful!" He picked up a large one and gave it a hug...he then found a lipstick on the floor and used it to draw a little cat face on the coconut. "Hermione look! It's a kitty cat!", he looked at the coconut "I want chicken.....I want liver...meow mix meow mix....please deliver"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!" Hermione lost it. Not only did she slap him, she kicked him in the balls. The pain was so intense he found the need to blow chunks, vomit, cascade, barf, honk.and multiple other ways of saying "throw up."  
  
Then he cried.  
  
A/N: there..the 5th chapter..i hope you're all happy cuz if you aren't we will be sad... ( (--see?sad..neway..pleeeeeeeeeeeease review..even tho weve been bad authors...but were reeeeeeeeally sorry!!!!!! And we love you sooooo much!!!!! Hope you enjoyed it!!!!! Tell us what you think in a review!!!! And sry it took soooo long to get this chapter up... 


	6. Care Bears and Booze

A/N: Woo.. We're on a role..second chapter in 2 days!! And were about to start on the third!! Once again, sorry for the delay on the 5th!! And oh yeah, REVIEW!!!! LOVE YA, MEAN IT!!  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own anything you recognize.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
We now turn to the scene of Fred and George.  
  
"I wanna do it again Fred!!!" George exclaimed, with a wide grin on his flushed face. "Do you have another quarter?"  
  
"Yeah, I think I might.lemme check." Fred replied as he searched in his pockets looking for another quarter so that Fred could ride the mechanical spaceship outside the Wal-Mart in Hogsmeade. "Here's one!! It's my last one though.so this is the last time." Fred said.  
  
".okay!!" George said, while vigorously nodding his head up and down, staring avidly at the quarter as Fred put it into the spaceship. "WEEEEE!!!!" Fred exclaimed, as the spaceship slowly moved in a "realistic" way.  
  
"wheeeee! I love Wal-Mart!" said George. As soon as he spoke, of all people, Voldemort walked out of Wal-Mart, and he was completely pissed. He was smoking 3 cigs at once and was holding a six pack of Bud in his left hand and a box of PMS medicine in the other.  
  
"WELL....HOOOOOWWWWDDDDYYYYY!" Fred and George screamed like little girls, and took off running to the little cave that was so conveniently positioned 3 feet away.  
  
In the conveniently positioned cave were also 2 conveniently positioned phone booths in which both Fred and George ran into. Inside, they spun around real fast, and then emerged, wearing.thongs. Not just thongs..but green man thongs that had some sort of duck thing on them.  
  
"hehe.whoops.wrong ones George.these are our Friday night costumes.let's try again, shall we?" Fred said, looking down at his interesting attire.  
  
"Yeah, let's," George replied.  
  
They ran back into the conveniently positioned phone booths and emerged once again this time dressed like the M. C. Hammer! They ran out of the cave and stopped in their tracks when they saw Voldie putting on an exfoliating mask and trying on women's lingerie. Fred looked at George really confused.  
  
"Oh well...you wanna dance anyways?" he asked.  
  
"Sure...come let us dance" and they both ran down the street singing "can't touch this...da na na na...ch ch....da na....ch ch...da na...can't touch this!"  
  
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts.  
  
"Okay, you take the one in the blue dress and I'll take the one in the pink dress, k?" Hagrid asked Draco, handing him a Barbie doll in a blue dress.  
  
"I...do..not..want..to..play..with..BARBIE'S!!" Draco shouted, after telling Hagrid this for the fifth time.  
  
"Oh, you're such a killjoy.Barbie's are fun!!" Hagrid began to brush its hair and sing under his breath, "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world!! I'm plastic, it's fantastic!!"  
  
"Stop it, Stop it, STOP IT!! NO MORE BARBIE'S!! NO MORE SINGING AND NO MORE TUTU'S!!!!!" Draco bellowed, finally fed up with all Hagrid's girly antics.  
  
Hagrid sniffed. "Well.if that's the way you truly feel." he looked up at Draco with watery eyes and his voice suddenly dropped and became husky, "let's get it on!!!"  
  
He proceeded to chase Draco around the room, before he finally pinned him and was getting ready to rape him, when Dobby walked in, intending to clean the room.  
  
"What is going on, masters?" Dobby asked, horrified. Then comprehension dawned on his face. "Master Malfoy? First Harry Potter and now you?! How could you do this to Dobby?!?! Dobby was always a good playmate for you when he worked in your house and this is how you treats Dobby?!?! Stupid Hagrid, stealing Dobby's play thing. Dobby is angry now!! Dobby will get revenge!!"  
  
In Dobby's rage, he mustered all his puny strength and somehow managed to push Hagrid out the window, sending him 20 stories down and to his impending doom. He made quite a nice splatting sound though.  
  
*squishy squat* Dobby leaned out of the window. "Ewww, that is so nasty! Master Malfoy, come here, my gansta bitch! Check this out! He's like all over the sidewalk! Awesome!!!" Malfoy was shocked.  
  
"Dobby! You can talk normally! Why did you never do it before?!?!" Dobby grabbed Malfoy's ass and said "Cause I like to annoy you....that smirk is so sexy! Kiss kiss!" with that Dobby skipped away.  
  
"SURPRISE!!!!!!" Ron popped out from behind an oddly placed tree. "SMILE! YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA! WHEEEE! I'M GONNA WIN ME SOME MONEY!!! AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS...HERE COMES RON!"  
  
Draco collapsed onto the floor in sobs. "My reputation! My beautiful reputation! Thrashed! It's gone! All gone! Why god? Why? Was it my snobbiness? Am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed to say 'It's okay! I don't mind....I don't mind'.....well I mind! I mind big time! And you know what the worst part of all this is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!!!!!" Draco cried as Ron giggled insanely as he recorded his Oscar nominating speech  
  
*Scene switch to Harry and Ginny in hallway, with empty box of tissues  
  
"Yeah, so anyway, then he tries to hand me twenty bucks and I say 'Bitch, for my kind of quality service I charge a quality price. Twenty Five!!' So then he finally hands over the extra five and I get out of the car and go back home." Harry finished.  
  
"Gosh Harry, I never knew you had it so hard at the Dursley's. Having to sell yourself just so you could buy My Little Pony Dolls. It's sad, cruel, and unusual." Ginny said sadly, shaking her head.  
  
"Yeah, well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And they were action figures.not dolls." Harry replied.  
  
"Oh, yeah.Sorry." Ginny said, quickly.  
  
Suddenly, Ginny sprang up. "Did you just see that? That potted tree just moved like 5 feet!"  
  
The tree reached around with its branch and grabbed the large zipper on the front of the tree and unzipped it. Out popped Ron! "SMILE! YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!"  
  
Draco came around the corner still sniffing and rubbing his puffing eyes. "You already did that today, moron. Pick a new catch phrase, ass." He rubbed his eyes and went over to Harry. He picked up the empty Kleenex box and shook it.  
  
"Dammit, Harry! You used them all! How could you? I thought you cared!" With that, Draco took off down the halls sobbing, when suddenly he tripped and fell into one of those cartoon holes that you can just pull out of a box and lie on the floor. Ron ran over to the hole and starting jumping up and down in excitement.  
  
"A clue! A clue!" Harry and Ginny went over and saw a box that said "acme...holes to order" that had a large blue paw-print on it. Harry whipped out his...handy...dandy...notebook! He drew a little box and wrote acme on it. Then he placed the notebook back in his pocket.  
  
Suddenly Ron burst out, "Dammit! I forgot to go by the liquor store today! I'm out of malt liquor! Shooot!"  
  
"Oh, well I heard that there's a Beer Barn down the street," Draco replied, from the bottom of the hole.  
  
"Thanks Drakey!!...Hey? You wanna come?" Ron asked.  
  
"Sure, lemme just whip out my ladder that's in my back pocket," Draco replied nonchalantly. A few minutes later, he was standing with the rest of them, and he and Ron, and Hermione, who magically reappeared after seeming to be missing in the last scene, headed towards Beer Barn.  
  
We return to the scene outside the conveniently placed cave, and discover Fred and George surrounded by the Care Bears, and facing Voldemort.  
  
"Ready? Care..Bear..Stare!!!!!!!!" Braveheart ordered to his fellow Care Bears. They proceeded to do their Care Bear Stare, and all their good stuff attacked Voldemort, and he began to melt.  
  
"Ooh!! I'm melting!! I'm melting!! I'll get you little boys, and your little armadillos too!!" Voldemort then melted and died, and Fred and George put protective hands on their armadillos, which had somehow managed to find their way to Hogsmeade from The Burrow.  
  
Meanwhile at Beer Barn....  
  
Ron waltzed up to the counter and dropped his gallon jug of malt liquor on the counter. The cashier looked at him and Draco funny and said "Could I see some ID please?"  
  
Ron began to twitch and look around frantically, when he threw the jug to Draco and said "RUN!!!! RUN, DRACO, RUN!!!!!" and he hauled ass out of the store with Malfoy and Hermione on his heels. They saw a conveniently placed cave and ran inside it.  
  
When inside they found Fred and George and a bunch of care bears telling ghost stories around a campfire. "Hey!" Ron said, "What say you that we spice up this part-ay?!?!?!" He held up the malt liquor for all to see.  
  
Fred and George ran over to Ron. "Boooooooooze!!!!!"  
  
After about 20 minutes, they were all completely tanked. This little pink care bear pipes up and goes "I've got a ghost story! A really scary one!" Everyone turned their drunken heads to the little pink Care Bear.  
  
"Once upon a time. There was this monkey named Heindrick. And he lived inside a tree. He wore a little vest and a fez. And whenever anyone walked by his tree he would jump out and him and his army of leprechauns would eat the victims flesh, cut open their spleen, and drink their fluids. The end." Ron was shocked.  
  
"See Hermione? I told you that I wanted a dancing monkey named Heindrick. And that care bear knows a story about him...so he must be real! There is still hope! Yay!" Hermione kneed Ron in the stomach and when he bent over in pain, she hit him over the head with a large rock. The Care Bear cried. So did Ron.  
  
A/N: So there's the 6th chapter..Hope you liked it, and remember to REVIEW!!!! WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!! LATA! 


	7. Table Dancing and Hairclips

A/N: ok....We're really really really really really really sorry for the long wait. School has been hell, especially our damn history class and well..we've just had way too much shit to do much writing. But thank you soooooooo much for all the wonderful reviews!!! 45!!!! Woooooooo!!! So here's our 7th chapter, and sorry for the long wait!! Please r/r!! We love you!!  
  
Chapter 7- Table Dancing and Hairclips  
  
Back at Hogwarts...  
  
Somehow Harry and Ginny got stoned. They were making little phones with their wands and sitting on opposite sides of a room calling each other and saying "WAAASSSSUUUUPPP?!?!?!?!" at different pitches to one another. Hermione, Draco, Ron, the twins, and their army of care bears came into the room and Harry and Ginny screamed.  
  
"What the hell is that fuzzy thing?!?!?!? it's like that weird fuzzy thing on Star Wars cept it's pink!!!!! nooooo!!!! my eyes!!!!" Harry cried. Hermione performed a spell that sobered him (A/N...I don't know the word for becoming un-stoned). "Watchikikie monkeybanglenesh banana cow!" and she did this to Ginny too.  
  
And there was a long awkward silence until Ron decided to end the silence. Across the room a spotlight came on and everyone turned to see Ron sitting on a stool in the middle of the room. He was wearing a leisure suit and there was a very large disco ball overhead.  
  
Ron looked up. "At first I was afraid. I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong. And I grew strong. I LEARNED HOW TO GET ALONG!" he jumped up and flung the stool across the room and started to do a really retarded dance. "And now I'm back. From outer space. I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock. I should have made you leave your key. If I'd known for just one second, that you'd be back to bother me. So now go! Walk out the door! Don't turn around now...cause you're not welcome anymore! Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye. You think I'll crumble? You think I'll lay down and die?!?! OH NO, NOT I!!! I WILL SURVIVE!"  
  
As soon as he said this, Hermione waved her wand and the large disco ball fell on Ron's head. Ron cried.  
  
When Ron recovered, the group left the room. They were walking down the hall when they heard some music coming from the great hall. They opened the doors and were shocked at what lay before them.  
  
Sirus was covered in band-aids. And Remus was wearing a cheerleader uniform and jumping up and down on a table.  
  
"Hey Mickey, you're so fine! You're so fine you blow mind! Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey, you're so fine! You're so fine you blow my mind! Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey, what a pity. You don't understand. You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand! Hey Mickey, you're so pretty. You don't understan.......HERMIONE, RON, DRACO, HARRY, GINNY, AND YOU FUZZY PINK THINGS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!"  
  
Harry stared at his godfather. "Why are you covered in band-aids?"  
  
Sirius looked up at Harry with a wide grin on his face. "I had a booboo, but Wemus gave me a band-aid and made it aaaaall better!!"  
  
Harry just looked at Remus with a look of complete confusion. Remus looked down at Sirius who had accidentally hit his head with a randomly placed anvil-shaped pillow. Sirius started to cry.  
  
"Oh my Sirius!! Poor baby!! Here's another band-aid!!" Remus placed a band-aid on Sirius' forehead, and kissed it. "Is that better?"  
  
Sirius sniffled, rubbed his nose, and looked up at Remus with watery eyes before nodding.  
  
"That's good," Remus replied, before picking up his pompoms and continuing to cheer.  
  
Draco snorted, "What do you think you're doing, werewolf?"  
  
"What?" Remus retorted, "you think you could do better?!"  
  
"Hell yes! I didn't spend two summers at cheer camp for nothing! Move OVER, girlfriend! Let me show you how it's done!"  
  
Draco hopped up onto the table. He conjured up a boom box with his wand and pressed the play button. All the lights in the great hall went out and one light shone down on him. He had his head bowed. Suddenly the music blasted....  
  
"Yo, VIP, Let's kick it!  
  
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby All right stop, Collaborate and listen Ice is back with my brand new invention Something grabs a hold of me tightly Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know Turn off the lights and I'll glow To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle."  
  
Meanwhile, Malfoy busted a move on the table.  
  
"Damn" exclaimed Sirius. "Those are the most elaborate white boy break dance moves I have ever seen!!!!" He gawked at Draco do the moonwalk across the table.  
  
"Whooooo!" shouted Hermione. "Go white boy! Go white boy! It's your birthday!" Everyone looked at Hermione like she was crazy.  
  
Ron got jealous and pushed Draco off the table. "If anybody should do a table dance, Malfoy, it should be me!!' Ron then proceeded to whip out a ribbon dancer out of his pocket (you know, one of those sticks with a really long ribbon) and pulled on a sparkly pink tutu. "Music mistro, if you please," he said to the room, though no one really knew who he was talking to.  
  
The song Chariots of Fire filled the air, and Ron began to do what he thought was a beautiful ribbon dance. He twirled, he jumped, and frolicked across the table.  
  
Little did Ron know, the songs Chariots of Fire reminds Care Bears of their lives as slaves to the evil Sock Monkey overlord. This immense relapse of emotional distress caused the Care Bears to all jump Ron. He had 20 angry Care Bears mauling him as he ran in circles screaming around the room trying to get them off.  
  
"I'll stop them," Harry shouted. He whipped out his wand and performed a spell. All of the Care Bears burst into flame. Suddenly Ron let out a ear piercing scream. He had forgotten to remove the CareBears off of Ron before lighting them up. Ron dropped to the ground and began frantically rolling around trying to put out the flames that now enveloped him.  
  
"Whoops," Harry said sheepishly as everyone looked at him like he was a dumbass. Which he was.  
  
Ron finally managed to put out the flames, but was still in IMMENSE pain due to his 2ND DEGREE BURNS!  
  
"Damn it Harry!! You're such a dumbass!! Remus, give me some of those band aids!!" Ron demanded. Remus looked down at the box of band-aids, and looked up feebly at Ron.  
  
"Heh heh......funny you should say that..we're, uh, out of band aids....."  
  
Ron looked livid. "WHAT?!?!" he yelled, and even though it wasn't that loud, everyone shook for dramatic effect.  
  
"I know...let's visit somewhere magical and FULL of wonder!!!" Fred suggested. George's eyes lit up.  
  
"Yes.....Wally World.....where ALL dreams come true!!" George said, while doing a little dance.  
  
So everyone skipped across the Entrance Hall and out on the grounds, on their way to Hogsmeade. Well, except for Ron, who limped, but no one cared about him, for they were going to the place of magic and wonder, where all dreams come true.  
  
They were quite gay (the happy kind) until.....dun na na!!......disaster struck!!! Sirius lost his brand new hair clip, with pink flowers, and so they all dropped to their knees in search of it.  
  
"I found it!!" Harry exclaimed, holding up a punk hair clip.  
  
"No," Sirius sniffed, "that one is yours Harry. Remember? I gave it to you for Christmas last year. It matched the dress that came with it."  
  
"Oh yeah.....you're right, sorry," Harry replied, and they continued searching.  
  
Suddenly Malfoy began to violently choke and spasm on the ground.  
  
"Oh my god!" Hermione said running over to him. "I'm gonna have to give him the heimlick manuever. Back up!!" She put her arms around his waist and pulled really hard and he coughed out something that went flying through the air hitting Ron in the side of the head as he finally caught up to them.  
  
"Oh dammit!" He screamed. "What the hell was that?!?!" He picked up the pain inflicting piece of refuge off the ground. "It's a damned hair clip!!" he shouted, outraged.  
  
"My hairclip!!!" Sirius screamed with delight. "Oh Ron, I love you!" and with that he kissed him on the cheek and skipped onward.  
  
Hermione looked at Malfoy weirdly. "Why the hell did you eat that in the first place?"  
  
He looked up at her through eyes that had the same expression of a six year old done something wrong. "M'sorry ma'am........." he mumbled.  
  
"Don't tell me you're sorry! I wanna know why you ate it!!" Hermione demanded.  
  
"M'sorry......." he replied.  
  
"Damn it Draco!! Why the hell did you eat the damn hair clip?" she said through gritted teeth.  
  
He looked at his fingernails, and then again up at her. "M'so-" but one look at her face made him stop, and he sighed.  
  
~Funny music and screen waving announcing a fuzzy memory sequence~  
  
Draco thought to himself, just before seeing a bright pink hairclip with flowers lying in the grass, which was obviously staring at him in a challenging way.  
  
Draco looked behind him. No one was there, so the clip must be staring at him.  
  
"You talking to me?........YOU talking to me?.........You must be talking to me 'cause there's no one else here!!! Oh yeah? Well I'll show you, you bastard!!!"  
  
And he ate the clip. Just like that. He ate it. And then he started choking on it......  
  
~End fuzzy memory sequence~  
  
Draco looked up at everyone after finishing his story. "M'sorry........but he started it!!!!!"  
  
"Good for you," Harry said blankly as he turned on his heel and walked away. But as he was walking he tripped over a lump object and fell flat on his face. "What the f-......Ron? Why are you on the ground?"  
  
Ron who was lying there with his eyes wide open, was a very pasty color, and was twitching as he mumbled to himself really fast. Fred picked up a conveniently positioned bucket of water and chucked it on his brother.  
  
"Thanks," Ron said as he wiped his wet hair off his face. "Harry. Your godfather kissed me. I am truly afraid. Hold me." With that he jumped into Harry's lap. Harry was disgusted. He pushed Ron back on the ground and went over to Ginny.  
  
"I am NOT gay!!!" He said flatly. Then he snogged her to prove it.  
  
"Well fine then," Draco said, and snogged Hermione, because he felt he should do something in light of the situation.  
  
"Well fine then," George said, and snogged Fred, but they quickly stopped, realizing the intense grossness of the moment.  
  
"Well fine then," Sirius said, and snogged Remus, and after a few minutes pulled away and said "You're not Janine, are you?" Remus shook his head.  
  
He looked Sirius in the eye. "Sirius....it never would have worked between us darling....I'm sorry"  
  
Ginny looked shocked, Hermione slapped Draco, Fred and George searched their pockets for alcohol, Remus backed away from Sirius as he cursed under his breath about needing glasses, and Ron cried.  
  
A/N: So there ya go, hope you liked!! Please review!!! And we're REALLY SORRY for the long wait!! Love ya!! 


	8. Tampax Turbans and a StripTease

A/N: Yeah…sorry about the wait…again….here's the eighth chapter. We hope it compensates for the long wait!! Thank you for all the WONDERFUL REVIEWS!! 57!!!!! WOOOO!!! WE LOVE YOU!!! KEEP 'EM COMIN!! Love ya, mean it, muah!

Chapter 8: Tampax Turbans and a Strip-Tease

Hermione went over to Ron who was crying his eyes out. She looked at him sympathetically. "What's wrong, Ron?"

"Draco kissed you…which is my job…but then everyone was kissing somebody and I didn't have anyone to kiss." he sniffled.

"That's where you're wrong," said a squeaky voice from behind him. Ron turned around and saw Dobby the House Elf standing there. The house elf pulled a lipstick out of his pocket, reapplied his red color since his last coat had begun to fade and jump attacked Ron and snogged him. Hermione was pissed.

"GET OFF OF HIM, DOBBY!!!!!!!!" and she grabbed him and flung him across the ground. Dobby looked up with watery eyes. 

Suddenly a turkey wearing a pink plastic tube top walked over to Dobby and helped him up off the ground. It looked at Hermione with hate in its eyes. "Don't ever touch gobble Dobby again! He's mine!!!!! Gobble, You crazy skank!"

Then there was a gun shot and the turkey fell to the ground. Ron was holding a gun. "Nobody talks to my bitch like that." and he snogged Hermione and they were both happy and skipped merrily onward to Wal-Mart. Everyone else shrugged and followed, skipping as they went.

And out of nowhere, Dumbledore came running out of the woods. "Whooooooo!!!!! whoooooooooo!!!!!!! fear me!!!" He came to a halt beside the carcass of the turkey in the pink plastic tube top. He fell to his knees beside the turkey and began to sob. He raised his arms in the air and began to scream. 

"OLGA!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! WHY GOD?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!" But nobody was around to hear. So he just pulled out a slinky and began to play with it.

~Later at Wal-mart~

Fred and George hopped on the back of a grocery cart and ran all over the parking lot riding it at high speed. This was until Malfoy realized that he was in fact a Malfoy and decided to be a killjoy and stop the fun. He tossed his wand on the ground, nonchalantly. 

As Fred and George sped past, the wheel of their cart hit the wand. This caused an overly dramatic, non-realistic reaction to occur. The shopping cart went flying through the air, flipping as it did so. It also appeared to be flipping across the sky in slow motion while Fred and George fell to the ground in a Matrix-like fashion.

It also appeared to be flipping across the sky in slow motion while Fred and George fell to the ground in a Matrix-like fashion. 

Everyone just shrugged it off and went inside. Everyone except Malfoy, George, and Fred that is.

"Where'd you guys learn to do weird stunts like that?" Malfoy queried. 

"I'm afraid that's classified information," George stated blankly, "and if we told you, we'd have to kill you."

Fred turned to Draco. "I'm also afraid we will have to wipe this little incident from your memory." He whipped a taser out of his back pocket and jabbed Malfoy in the shoulder with it. Draco collapsed to the ground and began to spasm and foam at the mouth from the shock. 

"Damn it Fred!! You used the wrong one again!! That's the taser for llamas!!" George barked at Fred.

"Sorry man, but does it matter?" Fred replied.

George looked appalled. "WELL OF COURSE IT-doesn't matter," he grinned

They looked at each other and nodded. They picked Draco up and put him in the now busted up shopping cart and pushed him into the store. 

Harry looked at Draco in immense interest. He pulled out his wand and began to poke him with it as a young child would poke a dead animal in the road.….well some young children. He giggled as Malfoy twitched with each poke. 

"What happened to him?" Remus asked. 

Fred and George exchanged glances. "He…uhh…" Fred stumbled, "He has a little seizure problem…but he's okay now. He'll recover in about 45 minutes. But I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't remember much."

"All right everyone, huddle up," Hermione said to the group as they gathered around her in a circle, applying their war paint.

"You know what you've got to do. We've got exactly," she looked down at her watch, "12.7463056957204 minutes. But you've got to remember one thing, I just lied to you. It doesn't matter how much time we take. I just said that to add dramatic effect. Now, the rules of the game are, that the last person kicked out, has to give Dumbledore his sponge bath. Ok, so….break!! GO GO GO GO !!!" 

They all skipped madly in different directions. Harry and Ginny headed to the toy section, Sirius and Remus to electronics, Fred and George to health and beauty, and Ron, Hermione and Draco headed towards clothing.

~*~

Fred and George skidded to a halt in the make-up section. 

"George, I think this color would look simply smashing on you, dah-ling!" Fred said holding up a L'Oreal lipstick. 

"Oo! I totally get your drift! Give it to us, my love." Fred tossed George the lipstick. George put it on and spun around to look at his brother. "What do you think?"

"I think it looks absolutely Mah-velous!" Fred said.

"Maybe I'm born with it."

"Or maybe it's maybelline." Fred said.

"Oooooo!" said Fred running over to the razors. "Shaving cream!!" He pulled the little plastic thing off the top of a can and began to inhale it feverishly. "Oooo...peaches" he said shuddering with excitement. 

"BOMBS AWAY!!!" George said as he sprayed Fred with the shaving cream. 

"Oh no you DIDN'T!!" Fred said in shock. He grabbed a can of shaving cream and chucked it as hard as he could at the tile floor at his brother's feet. The pressurized can exploded covering George in shaving cream. 

"Whoa snap!!" Fred said realizing he was about to get jumped. He took off running to the end of the aisle. George skidded after him but halted at his side and the two boys stared in astonishment at what lay before them. They exchanged mischievous grins and set to work on their evil scheme.

~10 minutes later~

A wal-mart associate rounded the corner carrying a large box of deodorant to be stocked on the shelves. She screamed when she saw what was in front of her, dropping her box. The twins had opened boxes of tampax pads and had stuck them all over themselves to make costumes. Fred had a nice tampax turban on. 

"I am prince Lalli Jama from the Ringy Dingy Heights near Bombay, India!" Fred said with a really thick Indian accent. 

The two boys looked at the woman who was staring at them in astonishment. George ran over to her and grabbed her hand as he fell to his knees. "Where have you been all my life, gorgeous?!"

She gawked at him in shock. Fred skidded over and knocked George out of the way. He looked into her eyes and said "Hey baby! Where can I find some band-aids? Cause I seem to have scraped my knee when I fell in love with you!"

The twins were to busy harassing the lady to realize that a really big, ugly brute of a wal-mart associate had walked up behind them. He grabbed them by the ear and pulled them to their feet.

"I'm afraid you boys are going to have to leave." He escorted them to the opening of the store. And gave them a push.

"Are you gonna let him push you around like that, Fred?" George asked.

"No.…" Fred looked around. When he saw the way of his revenge. He ran over to a coke machine and put in some change. He came back with a Dr. Pepper. 

"Hey George. You think you got. Oh you think you got it. But got it just don't get it till there's nothing at all!!" Fred said dancing.

George caught on and started to sing while Fred continued to dance. "Shake it….sh-shake it…Shake it….sh-shake it….Shake it….shake it.…sh-shake it…shake it like a polaroid picture!" Fred shook the crap out of the Dr. Pepper then spun around and opened it, spraying the big, ugly brute of a wal-mart associate with the drink. 

The man shook with fury. "GET THE HELL OUT!!!" he screamed picking up Fred by the collar and tossing him out on the curb. Fred looked around in shock. And suddenly George landed beside him. 

"Whoa," George said. "We literally got thrown out. Awesome!" They high fived.

~*~

We now turn to the women's apparel, where Ron and Hermione are hiding inside clothes racks.

A woman approaches.

Then a voice comes from a rack of ugly orange spandex pants. "Pick me!! Pick me!!"

A look of uncertainty crosses the woman's face, but then leaves, assuming she imagined it, and she moves closer to the rack.

"Pick me!! Pick me!!"

She stops again. Surely she's hearing things. Clothes don't talk.

"Damn it!! Pick me you fucking whore!!"

"Oh sweet mother of pearl!!" The woman clutches her chest and runs.

Ron topples out of the rack, face red, and laughing.

"Ron!" Hermione scolded. "That is no way to treat a lady!! Don't call her a whore!! 

Call her a wench!!" Ron crawled back inside the rack and they continue on their merry mischief making ways.

In the meantime, Draco had managed to climb to the top of a shelf, laden with shoes and socks. Many shoes and socks.

He slowly built a fort at the end of the shelf, made of socks and crouched behind it. A balding man approached, and just as he passed beneath the shelf, BAM!! That man got slammed by cheap-imitation Nikes.

Making sure no one was looking, he whipped out his wand and levitated the unconcious man away from the foot of the shelf.

This time a child, about eight, ran by and WHAM!! was slowed down by none other than cheap-imitation Timberlands.

"I _DO_ love children," Draco chortled to himself. "Oh, shit," he mumbled, as a large woman, dressed in the mandatory "How can I help you?" Wal-Mart uniforms ran to the shelf on which Draco was sitting, jiggling in all her fat-glory.

"BOY!! WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!! GET DOWN HERE!! WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?"

Draco then pushed all the socks and shoes down on top of the woman. 

"She died. Of injury to the head. By shoes. It was so sad. Those were my favorite shoes."

The woman looked horrified, not only because she had just been pummeled by 30 pairs of shoes, but because this boy just said he murdered his mother.

"I'll never forgive my father for stealing my shoes," Draco looked at the ground and stuck out his lower lip.

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that son, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,"

Draco sniffed. "Yes ma'am," he rubbed his nose. The woman escorted him to the door, and with a triumphant smile, he turned around and said "Thank you!! And my mother's not dead, she's probably only getting raped by my father right now."

Just then, Hermione and Ron appeared, also escorted by a Wal-Mart employee.

"Apparently they didn't like the free advertising we were giving them," Ron said with a grin.

"That's too bad," Draco replied, "Apparently they didn't like my personal war I was waging on all of mankind." They nodded.

They turned, walked past the guy handin out those damn smiley-face stickers, and walked through the doors. Fred and George were drinking a couple 25 cent cokes (those 25 cent cokes ROCK!).

"Damn!!" Ron exclaimed, with awe on his face. "You two made it out in like 4 minutes flat!"

"Three, Ron m'boy. And it's a gift, really." Fred dusted his fingernails on his suit jacket. "I wish we could teach you but, alas, that is not allowed in _The Service_."

George gave Fred a warning look, and Fred nonchalantly zapped them all with his memory taser. 

"Heh heh," Fred forced a laugh. "So let's see who comes out next, shall we?"

"Allright," Hermione replied, none of them remembering anything that had just happened.

~*~

"All right, Ginny. You don't wanna have to give Dumbledore his sponge bath, right?" Ginny nodded as Harry addressed her.

"Good, neither do I, so I've got a plan. Just follow my lead, k?" 

Ginny didn't entirely trust Harry's 'plan' but nodded in agreement anyway.

Harry walked into an aisle, where there dolls and stuffed animals lining the shelves. He found the one he wanted and pulled it off the shelf. A hokey-pokey Elmo. He opened the box, and pulled out the Elmo, turned it on, and placed it on the ground.

"You put your hand in, you put your hand out, you put your hand in and you shake it all about. You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself about. That's what it's all about!"

Harry clapped his hands after dancing and looked at Ginny with a large grin on his face. "Come on, Gin! Listen, I know it doesn't sound the best, but we gotta get kicked out. Please?"

"Oh, all right," Ginny finally consented. And they danced. The hokey-pokey. With hokey-pokey Elmo. After a few goes, A small crowd of children began to form around them and dance with them.

"_This_ was your great plan?" Ginny demanded.

"It was more of a vague concept, if you will," he confessed.

"Oh screw this bitch!!" Ginny snapped. "You can dance with Elmo all you want but I am bustin outta this joint!!"

She jumped in a nearby Barbie jeep and drove down the main aisle, knocking over displays in the middle, and a few old ladies with walkers.

Harry watched her go and just shrugged his shoulders. Then continued gettin down with his bad self and some five year old to the "Hokey-Pokey."

In the produce section, she was finally stopped by a woman who seemed a bit…perturbed about something.

"Who do you think you are driving through this store like a maniac on crack? Don't even think that I'm going to allow you to stay in here one more second! Turn your lil' juvenile delinquent butt around right now and march out of this store!!" Ginny turned the jeep around and drove out of the store. "Honestly, kids these days," the woman muttered to herself, too preoccupied to notice that Ginny was stealing the jeep.

"Damn Ginny!!" George exclaimed. "You managed to steal a jeep too!! I think she's winnin fellas!!" Everyone grinned at Ginny and waited for the others to get kicked out.

~*~

~Meanwhile in the electronics section~

"Hey, Remus, check this out!" Sirius said holding up a styx cd. "I looooooove Styx!!!" He swiped the cd under the scanner thing and put on the headset. And began to sing.….very loudly. Not to mention poorly and unskillfully.

"I'M …SAILING AWAY!!!!! SET AN OPEN COURSE…FOR THE VIRGIN SEA!!!!!!! CAUSE I'VE.…GOT TO...BE FREEEEEEEE! FREE TO CHASE THE LIFE THAT'S AHEAD OF ME!" Remus could no longer take. He walked over to Sirius and removed the headset from his ears. 

"No. You need to stop. Really. Take some lessons, my love, and you'll improve." He said giving the now sad Sirius a hug.

"Hey! I've got an idea, Remus! Let's dance for everyone. But this time you sing!" Sirius said excitedly. 

"Ok…it's worth a try…I really don't want to be giving that old geezer a sponge bath." Remus said shrugging.

Sirius began to imitate doing turntables while Remus made the sounds. Then Remus began to sing. 

"I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung. Wanna pull up front when you notice that butt was stuffed. Deep in the jeans she's wearing. I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh baby! I wanna get with ya. And take your picture. My homeboys tried to warn me. But that butt you got make me so horn-" 

Remus was cut off by a Wal-Mart worker who came up behind him and covered his mouth while Sirius continued to do what he believed to be a wonderful booty dance. He shook his groove thing. 

But Remus was escorted from the store for using such language in front of young children. Sirius realized that he was still there and decided this required spur of the moment action.

He jumped up onto the check out and began to dance like crazy. And sing as well. "I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT! TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT! SO SEXY IT HUUUUUURTS!!!" he sung as loud as he could muster while he began to take of his shirt. 

"I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY HAT! TOO SEXY FOR MY HAT! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?!" He took off his hat and chucked it along with his shirt into the group of people that had gathered around him. A really nerdy chick caught it and began to inhale it with a huge smile on her face. 

"I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY PANTS! TOO SEXY FOR MY PANTS! THIS ISN'T AN ACTUAL VERSE AND NOTHING GOOD RHYMES WITH PANTS!!!" he said tossing his pants into the crowd. The nerdy chick screamed with delight. 

The big, ugly brute that rid the store of Fred and George ran over to the check out. 

"Sir! Sir! I'm gonna have to ask you to get down from there! Get out of my store, dammit!!" He said trying to catch Sirius. 

But it turns out Sirius was pretty popular with the ladies. Maybe it was because he was like Johnny Depp and was really sexy for and old guy, plus he was dancing in his underwear. Which is a plus. 

So he gave into the associates cries to leave the store. He looked to his groupies. "I'm out!" With that he fell into the crowd and he crowd surfed right out of the store. 

Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Draco, Remus, and the twins were sitting on the curb drinking 25 cent cokes when Sirius landed beside them on the ground. 

"Sirius," Fred said, "where are your clothes?" Suddenly, a little nerdy chick walked out of the store feverishly sniffing a pile of garments.

Sirius nodded towards the nerdy chick. "Well there ya go." Fred said and continued drinking his coke. 

"Hey, where's Harry?" Hermione said.

"Does it matter?" Ron asked.

Everyone nodded in agreement and continued to drink their cokes. Suddenly, Harry came outside looking very disgruntled to see that he was the last one out. 

"So," Ginny said, "how'd you finally get kicked out?" 

"Well," Harry said looking up in a thoughtful matter. Suddenly everything went fuzzy and some funny music started to play signaling a memory sequence.

Harry was boogieing down with the little kids and the hokey pokey elmo. But suddenly he realized that he was not only making a total ass of himself, but was also getting nowhere in the game. He decided to take action. 

Unfortunately for Harry, he is a complete dumbass and his plans never work. He went over to the food section and grabbed some jumbo bottles of ketchup. He ran up to the front of the store and started to write threatening messages on the wall with the ketchup, pretending it was blood. Some Wal-Mart workers came up and turned him around. 

A lady put her hands on his shoulders and looked him in the eye. "Son, where is your mom?" 

Harry thought this would be a good time to act like he was insane. He tapped the lady on the cheek. "Whoa snap! Whoa snap! Whatcha gonna do?!" He tapped her again in a challenging way. 

A dorky associate try to calm Harry down. "Is your mother in the store? Does she have some medication we could give you?" 

"Shut up, bitch," Harry said, "I bet you've never even kissed a girl, have you?"

"Hey!" the dork said, "that is none of your business, you man."

Harry looked at the dude's name tag. It read: Hello, my name is Gunther. How may I help you?

"Well....Gunther ....Just know, it's okay if you haven't."

"Really?" Gunther said like they were having a real heart to heart.

"Of course, Gunther, perhaps it's just not your time yet. Listen, I know this GREAT little singles bar just down the road. There are some VERY cute guys there, lemme tell ya. I'll just write down the adress and-"

"Boy, get the hell out of my store!" the big brute yelled who had thrown out Fred, George and Sirius.

"Call me!!" Harry called back to Gunther.

~End memory sequence~

Wendimister: Everyone looked at Harry in emblankment. "Apparently," Harry said, "saying things about sex to people can be considered sexual harassment. Gunther is too distressed at the moment to know if he is gonna press charges."

Harry looked around and realized that nobody cared. He was a complete loser and nobody was listening to him. Fred and George just realized that they still had electric collars on and were trying to get them off. Ron looked at Hermione's collar. "Hey..." he said, "there is a switch." He switched it to 'on' and it shocked Hermione. 

"OW!!! BITCH! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!" and she chased his red headed self all over the parking lot. 

Fred and George watched them run when their eyes locked on the building next door. The dollar general. They snuck over to the store when nobody was looking and began their merry mischief making.

A/N: So there's the eighth chapter. Hope you enjoy!! Review please!! Love ya, muah!


	9. Armadillos and Hair Dryers

A/N: We wanna thank all our reviewers and say that we're almost done w/this fic, but we plan on writing another very soon and it'll be great!! …we hope…neway…thanx for all the reviews and keep em coming!! We love you!!

Disclaimer: We don't own anything you recognize.

Chapter 9: Armadillos and Hair Dryers

Sirius saw Fred and George sneak off to the dollar general. He whipped out his watch and turned to Remus. "Wait for it......wait for it....." he said holding up his fingers, "8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1..." and they turned to the dollar store. 

Fred came flying out of the door wearing cheap dollar store make-up and hair products. George came flying out immediately afterwards carrying a cheap dollar store slingshot. He turned and glared at the associate in the door. 

"Despicable," he said glaring glaringly, "you suck!" He shot the man with the cheap dollar store slingshot. 

Then he and Fred took off running. They skidded to a stop in front of Harry and Ginny. 

"That's a nice look for ya', Fred," Harry sniggered.

"I know," Fred said tossing his hair.

"Oh, let me tell ya," Harry said.

"I know I'm dead sexy. George too."

"Yah," George said. "We just finished undergoing extensive testing by scientists from 23 different countries over the planet to see if we were real."

"Can two men be this perfect???" Fred said pointing to himself and his twin. "Is it genetically possible? Answer....yah."

"Conclusion...affirmative. I know we are positively beyond belief but you can stop pinching yourself!"

Harry just stared at them blankly. Ginny too. And Draco. Hermione continued to chase Ron cursing loudly about the collar, but as they ran in front of the store, Remus and Sirius stuck out their feet and tripped them up and they landed flat on their face. "Ouchies!!!" Ron said. Nobody cared.

"Hey," Draco said looking up at the sky. "Let's head back to the castle. Looks like it's gonna storm." Lightning flashed dramatically across the sky and thunder boomed shaking the ground. Everyone shuddered for dramatic effect. 

As the group made their way back to the castle, it started to rain.

"Oh good," Ginny said. "I was feeling to dry."

~Back at Hogwarts~

Dumbledore was skipping merrily around the halls of the castle with his slinky when he heard a knock on the door. He skipped over to the door and opened it. 

"You rang??"

"Hell yes, I rang!" Draco said knocking the old man down to get in the door. Everyone ran inside dripping from the downpour that just started. Lightning flashed. (A/N: PUAHAHA!)

They all sat in the front hall against the wall, tired from the jog back to Hogwarts in the rain. 

Dumbledore walked by playing with a slinky. Everyone watched him walk by as he continued to play with the toy and not acknowledge their existence. 

"I wish I had a slinky," Ron said.

"You never had a slinky??" Hermione asked astonished.

"We had part of a slinky..." Fred said.

"Yeah...but Fred straightened it." George said glancing at his brother.

Everyone sat around talking about slinkies for a while. But eventually everyone got bored with Hermione's nonsensical rambling about the physics of the slinky, and they tuned her out. 

Turns out Hermione was a total dweeb and nobody actually cared about anything she said. Who knew? 

"Hey," Draco said looking around him, "Does anybody remember what the author started this fic about??"

"Actually," Harry paused, rested cupped his chin in his forefinger and thumb, and looked up, appearing to be in deep thought. "No, sorry."

"Weren't we supposed to be solving a mystery or something??" Fred said realizing everybody was dressed like people from the game "Clue."

"Oh yeah!!" George said jumping up. "That's the ticket!!! We were supposed to be figuring out who the murderer is!!"

"Ok," Ginny said deciding to take matters into her own hands, 

"There are three simple rules to this game. Rule 1: is look for clues....Rule 2: is to piece the clues together and solve the mystery."

Hermione looked at her confused. "What's rule three??"

"I forgot what rule three is," Ginny said shrugging. 

"Well I guess we should split up then." Ron said. He spotted something shiny on the floor. 

"Dude! A knut" Ron said running over to the change on the floor.

"It's glued in place, man. I already tried to get it." said Harry from a dark corner as he continued thumb wrestling with himself.

"Who glued knuts to the floor?" Ron asked befuzzled (A/N: I think I made that word up, but it's all good). 

"I did," Fred answered walking over to where Ron fought with the change that was glued to the floor.

"Why the hell would you do something like that?" Ron asked getting angry.

"I don't feel the need to explain my art to you, Ron," Fred said defiantly. 

"Ok," Draco said. "Hey...I think I had kept a record of the clues I had found..." he said as he dug in his pockets of his disgusting colored green vacuum salesman suit. 

"Cha! Here it is!" he whipped out a notebook and began flipping through the pages. As he studied the clues he had found, nobody noticed Ron leave the room. Suddenly Draco jumped up and yelled out in excitement.

"I figured it out!!! I know who the murderer is!!!" He screamed. He held up his notebook. "I solved the mystery!!!"

"Who is it???" Fred said getting impatient.

"The murderer is Ron Weasle-" but before he could finish, he was shot in the back. He fell over bleeding.

"Ron Weasle-???" Harry said spazzing out. "He didn't finish!! Now we'll never know who the killer is!!!!!!" he fell to his knees and shook his fists at the ceiling as he screamed. Everyone shuddered for dramatic effect. "Why did it have to be Draco???"

"Would you have rather it had been me?" Ron said entering.

"Yes, actually," Harry said wiping his teary eyes with the back of his hand.

"Well," Ron said as his eyes began to tear up, "I hope that when I return, you will think better of me."

"That would depend on the matter of your return," Harry said.

"Umm, excuse me!" Fred said, "think you've got the wrong script there, bud." Ron and Harry glanced at the papers they were holding. 

"Oh," Harry said laughing nervously. He looked at Ron. "You aren't Faramir, are you?" Ron shook his head. 

"Crap!!" Hermione said completely ignoring Harry and Ron. "We have to figure this out!! We were so close!!" She walked over to Draco's bleeding corpse, and slapped him. 

"Stupid bitch had to go and die on us _NOW_?!?!" Everyone stared at her in wonder.

She then pried the little notebook out of his dead lifeless fingers. 

George snatched the notebook from Hermione and started flipping through the pages. 

"Ok," He said waving his arms around, "Everybody pay attention. Our clues are: the color red.....a broken stick.....and ummm...." he said looking confused at a picture. "I think that's a rabbit."

Fred snatched the notebook from George. "Nonsense, George THAT is a tree!"

"It's a rabbit, Fred!" George said harshly.

"It's a TREE, George!!!"

The two twins started beating the crap out of each other and rolling around all over the floor. 

"This is AWESOME!" Hermione said getting excited from the fight. She whipped a ziploc bag of popcorn out of her back pocket and began munching and enjoying the show. Ginny stared at her, bewildered and frightened. 

"Wtf?" she said.

Hermione held up the bag, offering Ginny some popcorn, but Ginny declined. Hermione proceeded to share with the rest of the group.

Just then, an armadillo strolled on by, with little baby armadillos walking behind it. George and Fred stopped fighting.

"The sight of such beautiful creatures of the earth, still in such good health, brings tears to my eyes, and makes me want to skip jovially through a field of pink daisies!" Fred said, dabbing his moist eyes with a pink handkerchief. "Care to join me anyone?"

"Oh i love little animals...fore are they not but creatures adrift like us on this cosmic ocean we call life?" Fred replied.

"Guys, this is really serious," he said, blinking very largely and dramatically, and turning his head from one person to another. "We need to figure out who the murderer is, Draco is dead, and he might not be the last one," he again blinked very largely and dramatically, and turned his head from one person to another dramatically.

Ron came up behind Hermione and poked her arm. "Poke," he said.

Hermione was deep in thought, studying the clues.

He poked her again. "Poke."

"Go away Ron," was her reply.

Her poked her a third time. "Poke."

"Damn it Ron! I told you to go away!" and she slugged him in the eye.

He clutched his eye, before turning to face her. "You know, I'm really starting to develop a complex." He then ran out of the room to go cry like a baby.

He then ran out of the room to go cry like a baby. Fred dully noted that Ron was the only one in his gene pool to run like a girl. 

"rrraaaaarrrrrrggggg," Harry said to Hermione.

"Yyyyyyaaaaaammmmmeeeelllleerrrgggg," Hermione replied.

"What the hell?" Fred said befuzzled.

Harry turned to Fred and placed his hands defiantly on his hips. "Excuse me, Fred. Hermione and I are trying to have a very IMPORTANT conversation. As you can see, it takes a very long time to say anything in old Entish. And we don't say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say." George walked over and slapped Harry. 

"Dammit, child! This is Harry Potter!! Get your lines straight!!" He then proceeded to walk off swinging his hips in a very beautacious manner. 

"Uh uh, George!" Fred said snapping his fingers in George's face. "Stop right there! You did not just steal my signature catwalk move!!!"

George sensed a fight coming on. He leaned over and snatched Harry's glasses off his face and put them on. "You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would ya'?" he said laughing nervously. Fred then proceeded to slug his brother breaking Harry's glasses in the process. He grabbed the fragmented specs and handed them to Harry.

"Sorry, buddy."

Harry began to twitch nervously. "you evil sonuvabitch bastard!! I hope you rot!!!" he then rocked back and forth hugging the fragments of his specs and calling them the precious.

Fred kicked him, and Harry seemed to snap back to reality.

"I want the pink cupcake, damnit!!"

Well, almost.

Just then, both Fred and George pressed their fingers to their ears and began muttering. "Yes, mmhmm, right away, yes sir," Fred looked up at the rest of the group watching him, hit George's arm for attention and they moved away from the group, to continue their muttering.

"Alright, we'll be there immediately," Fred said, and then both he and George looked up.

"Well, uh" George began, before Fred cut in. "OH MY GAWD IT'S AN OOMPA LOOMPA!!" he shouted, pointing to the opposite wall. Everyone turned their hands, and Fred and George ran out of the room like jack rabbits on a hot day. Though I don't really know how jack rabbits run on a regular day, let alone a hot day.

After realizing there were no oompa loompas, they all turned back around and realized *surprise surprise* they were gone. So they stared at the door.

"I'm thirsty," Harry complained, and as he turned around, he noticed a randomly, yet conveniently placed fridge in the hall.

"Oh, look. A randomly yet conveniently placed fridge!" Harry remarked, as he walked towards the fridge. When he opened it, Seamus walked out of the fridge.

He casually strolled towards the doors of the hall, giving a little wave and smile to everyone in the hall, before turning around to look back at the fridge. A look of fear crossed his face. "Oh shit!" he exclaimed as he took off running towards the doors. Coming out of the fridge were about 20 SWAT looking guys, all chasing after Seamus.

As he reached the doors, he threw them open, and as he ran, he pulled a string just below his shoulder. Big bat wings shot out from his back, and he flew away, the SWAT team chasing after him.

The kids all ran to the door and watched Seamus fly away.

"Whoa," said Ghosty Draco. He spoke for all of them. After the stood there, staring blankly at the soring boy, for about 2 minutes, they realized it was still raining, and went back inside. 

Harry shook his head off. He turned around. Then blinked multiple times for dramatic effect before his eyes grew wide and he spun around for a double take. "AHHHH!!! GHOSTY DRACO!!!!" He fainted. Ghosty Draco laughed.

Ron turned to look at Hermione and jumped 4 foot into the air. "Holy Shit! Hermione, the change from moist to dry air made your hair go POOF!!!" And it was true. Hermione's hair was like 8 times as big as normal. 

"Dammit!" Hermione said stomping her foot. "I need my hair dryer." She crossed her arms and stuck out her bottom lip.

Dumbledore came over and smacked her in the back of the head. 

"You kids today are pussies! Can't live with out your "electronic devices"! " he said doing quotation marks in the air with his fingers. "In my day we didn't have hair dryers!! If you wanted to blow dry your hair, you stood outside during a hurricane!! Your hair was dry but you had a sharp piece of wood driven clear through your skull! And we liked it!!! We looooved it!! Whoopy! I'm a human head kabob!"

Dumbledore breathed in and out many times before regaining his composure. "I shall now go play with my little pony," and stuck out his tongue before walking up the stairs.

"Well, that was certainly enlightening," Remus commented. And they all nodded. Then, Hermione punched Ron, and he cried.

A/N: So..that's chapter nine. Review please!! Love ya!


	10. sock puppets are great fun

Just when you thought it was safe to surf the web....when you thought that this fic would be coming to the end....THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!!! PUAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
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Ron walks onto a deserted stage lit only by a single beam of light. He adjusts his lapels on his tux and taps a baton on the podium. "Music maestro, if you please."  
  
The sound of lamb chops and friends fills the air. The stage is suddenly engulfed in light and the sock puppet friends litter the stage and begin to sing with furious intensity.   
  
"THIS IS THE FIC THAT NEVER ENDS!!! AND IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!!! SOME PEOPLE STARTED READING IT, NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS...AND THEY'LL CONTINUE READING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIC THAT NEVER ENDS!!! AND IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!!! SOME PEOPLE STARTED READING IT, NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS...AND THEY'LL CONTINUE READING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIC THAT NEVER ENDS!!! AND IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!!! SOME PEOPLE STARTED READING IT, NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS...AND THEY'LL CONTINUE READING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIC THAT NEVER ENDS!!! AND IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!!! SOME PEOPLE STARTED READING IT, NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS...AND THEY'LL CONTINUE READING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIC THAT NEVER ENDS!!! AND IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!!! SOME PEOPLE STARTED READING IT, NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS...AND THEY'LL CONTINUE READING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIC THAT NEVER ENDS!!! AND IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!!! SOME PEOPLE STARTED READING IT, NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS...AND THEY'LL CONTINUE READING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIC THAT NEVER ENDS!!! AND IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!!! SOME PEOPLE STARTED READING IT, NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS...AND THEY'LL CONTINUE READING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE...."  
  
Suddenly Harry stood up. "I can't take it anymore!!!" The scary little creatures continued singing as Ron conducted with a huge smile on his face. Harry began to rock nervously back and forth. "Make it stop....please....god...make it stop..." Harry stood up and began to laugh maniacally. "Avada Kedarva!" Lamp chop died. The goat looking sock puppet cried. Ron cried too.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
hehehe...i'm amused now....oh, and to all you readers out there...all like 5 of you...if you're bored and looking for some good, fun harry potter amusement go to www.potterpuppetpals.com ....it's hilarious...peace out...you can review if you want...we will post a new chapter next week since we will finally have a break from school.....party on, dudes! 


	11. help me

hey....sorry we haven't posted in a while....my co-author kinda bailed on me cough cough glare but...i wanted to know what you people want out of this story or if you'd like me to begin a new story....which is totally possible since i seemed to have run out of things to do with this story....review and let me know what you would like...thanks

Winky The House Elf


	12. Infected Paper Cuts of Dooooom

A/N: Hello all....thanks for your reviews. And my co-author didn't bail on me after all. Hey Ale! waves and sadly...this fic is coming to an end...but we'll try to write a new one for you.

ale: yeah, winky over here lied to you…I didn't bail, just slacked off….sorry it's taken so long to update but uh…we've been slack basically…I'd try to blame it on school but uh, it's the summer so that excuse is completely shot. The best I can come up with is that winky was out of town for a while and so she couldn't sign online, where we do all our writing soo…we're really sorry!! Don't hate us, and we hope you like this chapter…we don't know if it's as good as the others, neither of us really had the 'funny' when writing this so…we hope it's up to your standard of liking!! Love ya!

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Chapter 12: Infected Paper Cuts of Doom

"Well," Harry said looking around from one person to the next, "what the hell are we supposed to do now? Draco is dead....Ghosty Draco is usless..."

"Hey!" Ghosty Draco replied.

"Fred and George are missing," Harry said leaning against the wall and letting himself slide to the floor. "We are totally screwed, aren't we?"

The doors suddenly flew open. "No you're not. Not yet." Seamus wheezed as he seased his running. "Hold on." He propped himself up against a table and breathed really deeply for like 2 minutes. Everyone looked impatiently at him.

"Remember," Seamus said, "the biggest fish in the river...gets that way, by never being caught." He looked real happy with his hint.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Ron said.

"It's a riddle bitch!" Seamus said slapping him. Ron cried. Suddenly, Fred and George followed by like 20 swat looking guys came flying in the door.

"There he is!!" Fred screamed.

"Let's get him!" said george.

"Oh shit," said Seamus.

"Banana?" inquired Ron.

"No, Ron, fish, it's all about the fish," Seamus replied, while pulling a unicycle out of his bookbag and leaning it against the wall. He then pulled out a chainsaw, a blender, and an orange, and mounted the unicycle. He proceeded to ride down the hall, juggling the chainsaw, blender and orange, and shouted back "See ya, suckers!!" at the swat team chasing him. But at that very moment, a crash was heard as a window broke and through it came a thousand strips of paper, which brutally sliced and eventually killed Seamus.

Everyone simply stood back and watched, through it all, until Seamus was no longer breathing.

"Poor Seamus," Hermione said shaking her head, "Instantanious paper cut infections is a horrible way to go. Horrible." Ginny agreed.

Harry looked over at ghost draco. "You gonna help at all?"

Ghosty Draco looked back at Harry. "Let me think about that for a moment." He stroked his chin for about 2 seconds. "No." Harry stared at him. "I'm just kidding," said Ghosty. "Umm...maybe by fish he meant murderer?" he shrugged and vanished.

"Well that blowed." Ron said. "But it will have to do."

Harry and Ron pondered for a moment before deciding to look around Seamus paper cut infected body for more clues.

"Man," Ron said, "Seamus smells like ass."

"Hey," Harry replied, "be cool. It's all good."

"Yeah," Hermione said walking over. "Have some respect for the dead, heffer."

Hermione looked through his backpack, and found some silly string, a shoe, a traffic cone, and some pineapple.

"Silly String, a shoe, a traffic cone, and some pineapple? Does he red really fucking think orange that this bloody yellow shit will blue help us green find the indigo damned purple killer???"

"Wow," Ron leaned over and muttered to Harry, "I never knew Hermione had such a _colorful_ vocabulary….get it? Get it?"

Harry punched Ron. And he cried.

Ron dragged himself across the floor to prop himself against the wall and tend to his now swollen jaw. He pulled out his compact and observed that after the many beatings he had recently received, he now looked like a Picasso painting. "Damn them, damn them all…"

As he put away his compact in his magenta pocketbook, he noticed something small lying on the floor across the hall. Something blue, and shaped oddly like a….pawprint…

"A clue, a clue!!!" Ron exclaimed, pointing at the object and directing everyones attention to it.

Hermione, Harry, and whoever else happened to be there because the author can no longer remember who is where, strode over to where the object was and gazed down at it.

"Damn it, Ron," Harry said, "It's not a clue, it's just a dead moose."

"Oh," said Ron, "yeah, sorry, I make that mistake a lot."

"Ugh!" shouted Sirius. "What are we going to do? If we don't find the killer soon, everyone but the main characters, aka Harry, Ron and Hermione will be killed off in cliché and gory Hollywood-like fashion!! We have to do something!"

After his tirade, he leaned against the wall, breathing heavily, and somehow dissapeared.

"Mother of Pearl!!" shouted Remus. "Where did he go??"

Ron went to where Sirius had previously been standing. He tapped the wall. "Hey look. A randomly convenient hiding place behind this random loose block in the wall that we never would have thought to look before." Ron pulled the random loose block from the wall and tossed it over his shoulder. It hit Harry in the face. Harry cried. Ron reached into the compartment and pulled out a little satin bag. It was a light pink and embroidered (is that a word?) with little red flowers.

"Oh isn't it just darling?" Ron said. He stuck it in his pocket and walked off.

"Come back here bitch!" Ginny said chasing after Ron. "Lemme see inside the bag!" She tackled him and got the bag out of his pocket.

"It is truly darling, though" she said to the crying Ron on the floor. Everyone gathered around her to look in the bag. When she undid the clasp and began to open it the lights went out. Someone let out a blood curdling scream.

"Hermione, I know you're scared, but there's nothing to worry about," Harry said patting her on the shoulder.

"Hey!" Hermione said swatting his hand away. "That was Ron!"

"Well," Ron said, "It's dark. I can't help it."

"Lumos," muttered Remus, allowing some light to appear in the dark hall, and Harry proceeded to open the small bag the rest of the way.

He reached inside the bag and out came…..a tiny stuffed bunny.

"Aw, how cute," Hermione cooed, taking the bunny from Harry's hands and holding it up to her face. It bit her on the nose, and she cried.

"Maybe this bunny is supposed to tell us something," Remus suggested taking the bunny from Hermione. He examined the bunny only to find a small blue pawprint on the side of it?

"This....is our last clue?" Ron was really confused...and stoned.

"Yeah," George said. "Looks like it."

"Umm...does it do anything?" Fred asked. Remus flipped the bunny over and found a cord. He pulled it and it played a song.

"Dude...this song sucks." George whined.

"Oh really?" said the singing bunny. "Well why don't you take this song and shove it right up your ass?"

"What did you say to me?" George said getting in the bunny's face.

"What? You and that Ronald McDonald haircut want a piece of me? Bring it on bitch! Bring it on! i'll fuck you up!"

"Ugh!" Harry said throwing his arms in the air. "This clue sucks ass." He put his hand against the wall to lean on it. The block his hand pushed on receeded into the wall and the wall spun around leaving Harriett....I mean Harry...trapped on the other side.


	13. Author Note

Hello all. Just a little note from your author here. Just wanted to let you all know that we will be starting a new fic soon. And we would appreciate all you faithful readers to continue reading after this fic is over. The craziness will not end I assure you. Keep it coming you genius critics. We love your reviews. The new fic will start after the end of this one. Keep an eye out for the new one. You'll love it. Thanks! Love ya!  
  
Majik Beaver  
  
(I know you love my new name :) hehe) 


	14. Wet Willies and Dr Peppers

A/N: yeah…I'm just not even gonna try and make an excuse this time. We're just really slow at this I guess. I suppose I could blame it on summer reading, which by the way, I still have 2 1/2 books and only a week…yay for procrastination!! Yeah…so here ya go, chapter 13…ENJOY!!…and REVIEW!! I love you!!

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Chapter 13:

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Wet Willies and Dr. Peppers

"Ohmigod! Harry!" Remus yelled beating on the wall. "Harry! Can you hear me?"

Harry looked around his surroundings in surprise. "Umm…not quite… "

Those on the other side of the wall got closer to it and yelled louder. "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"

Harry nodded, "Yep, I can hear ya just fine."

"Good," someone replied.

"Are you okay?!" muffled voices yelled from the other side of the wall.

"I'm fine...this place is creepiness" He looked around.

A random torch hung in a holder on the wall. He grabbed it and went to get a closer look at the stuff that lined the walls. "Hmmm...brain in a jar......puffkins, how cute?......kleenexs.....ooo! a book!" he pulled the book from it's shelf and blew the dust off the cover. "umm...the joy of cooking....umm...what's this last word?" He took his sleeve and wiped the dust off. "ahh! that's better. The Joy of Cooking Weasley. Sounds intriguigi-OH SHIT!" he ran back to the wall.

"Aren't I lucky that I had that lipstick all over my fingers?" he found the lipstick stained block and pushed it. The wall spun around knocking everyone flat on their ass.

"Ohmigod! Check this out! The Joy of Cooking Weasley!!!" He said as he held the book up for everyone to see.

Hermione came and patted him on the back. "Harry dear, that says chicken.....The Joy of Cooking Chicken."

"Oh yes," he said rubbing his neck nervously, "I meant chicken. Uhhh...We should go look inside this room."

Everyone stood in front of the wall as he pushed the button. Ron grabbed the torch and led the way across to a door. He slowly reached out to the handle. He turned around to look at everyone then grabbed the door briskly and swung it open. Inside was a slow descending staircase. Everyone slowly made their way down the stairs. Ginny saw a rat and screamed and jumped on Harry's back.

"Please don't drop me! Dear god I love you!"

"Don't you do that. Don't you say your goodbyes. Not yet. Do you understand me? You're gonna get out of here. You're gonna go on. You're gonna make it. You're gonna die an old woman. Warm in her bed. Doing this stupid, murder mystery game, was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me to you and I'm thankful for that, Ginny. You must promise me that you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens. Promise me now, Ginny!"

"I promise Harry.."

"Don't let go!"

"Never! I'll never let go!"

"CUT!!" Sirius all of a sudden yelled, turning to Harry and Ginny.

"CRAP!" he said, pointing at Harry. "CRAP!!" he sad, pointing at Ginny. "Not too bad," to Ron.

"Now this time, I want you all to pretend that you are swimming through a pool of peanut butter. Only don't swallow, you could choke and die. Annnnd, ACTION!!" Sirius said, stepping back from the three.

Harry, Ron, and Ginny began to move very slowly in circles for a few minutes, before they realized what in the hell they were doing, and that everyone was laughing at them. Ginny punched Sirius in the stomach. "Bitch," she spat at him.

"But Ginny," Sirius coughed, "don't you realize that I love you?"

"Yeah...but I love Harry."

"What?" Harry and Ron said at the same time.

"I do...I love you Harry. I love everything about you. I love that you get cold when it's seventy one degrees out, I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich, I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts...yeah! just like that!" she said pointing to his face as he looked at her like she was insane. "I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes"

"I don't wear perfume..." he said but she ignored him and went on.

"I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Years Eve."

"it's not New Years Eve.." he tried once more. No avail as she went on.

" I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible." She looked at him thoughtfully.

"That's the speech from When Harry Met Sally..." Ron said.

"Fine! Bitch! Way to crush a dream!" Ginny said. Ron stared. Harry stared. Ginny cried.

Then they started walking again. Fred stuck his index finger in his mouth and walked next to Hermione.

"WET WILLIE!!!!!!" he cried, sticking his finger in her ear.

Hermione became furious, she turned to him, with a red face.

"You are so immature!!" she yelled at him. She stuck her finger in her mouth, and walked next to Ron.

"WET WILLIE!!" she yelled, sticking her finger in his ear.

Ron turned to her, with a look of disgust as he rubbed his ear. "You are so immature!" he scolded. He stuck his finger in his mouth, and inched over, next to Harry.

"WET WILLIE!!" he shouted, as he stuck his finger in his ear.

Harry's eyes narrowed as he turned on Ron. "You are so immature!!" he yelled.

Harry stuck his finger in his mouth, and moved over to walk with Ginny.

"WET WILLIE!!!!" he shouted, sticking his finger in her ear.

"Ugh!!" she said, rubbing her ear, "You are so immature!!"

She fell back to walk with Remus, and licked her finger. Then she stuck her finger in his ear.

"WET WILLIE!!!"

"Ewwwww Ginny!! You are so immature!!" Remus licked his finger, and hurried to catch up with George.

"WET WILLIE!!!" as he stuck his finger in his ear.

"Oh, honestly!!" George said, rubbing his ear and attempting to get the spit out of his ear. "You all are so immature!! I swear…."

He held back, so that he was walking behind Fred, and then pantsed him.

"Dammit George!" Fred cried as everyone laughed at his purple bunny boxers. He reached down and pulled up his pants. "You're so mean. And that outfit makes you look fat." He stormed down the hall to the door at the end.

"Knock Knock!" he screamed as he banged on it.

"Who's there?" came from the other side.

"Alltell"

"Alltell who?"

"Alltell mom if you don't let me in!"

"Umm..." George scratched his head, "I don't get it...."

Suddenly the door flew open and a disgruntled Percy stood on the inside. "That was a low blow, man. Bringing mom into this." He turned on his heel and went back inside followed by everybody else.

"This is my lair, it's where I come to conduct experiments, and play with my teletubby dolls….muahahaha!!" Percy laughed, maniacally.

"Aw, can it loser, no one likes you!" The voice came from a chair, that was facing the wall opposite them. The chair swiveled around and there sat…dun na NA! Sirius.

"Oh, psh….it's just Sirius guys," Fred said, walking over to the fridge and pulling out a Dr. Pepper. He then broke into song and everyone joined him.

"The taste of Dr. Pepper, the taste of originality. Salutes individuality, and gives life a personality!! Be you! Do what you do! Be you! Nothing's better, Dr. Pepper!!"

Then they all stopped their singing and dance routine to match, and there was a lull in the room as everyone just kind of stared at each other.

Then they all stopped their singing and dance routine to match, and there was a lull in the room as everyone just kind of stared at each other.

"I knew I shouldn't have showed you guys that muggle television. Obviously we have all been watching it too much." Hermione thought aloud.

"I don't wanna grow up," George said all of a sudden.

"That was random," Sirius replied spinning in circles in his chair. "Wheee!"

"I know it was. But really."

"George, I don't think it would be physically possible for you or Fred to grow up," Remus replied from the other side of the room.

"Yeah. You're probably right. But, I don't wanna grow up," George said again.

"Cause I'm a toys-r-us kid," Harry sang.

"NO MORE THEME SONGS BITCH!" Hermione screamed. "AHHHHHHH!!!" She threw a stapler at him. He cried.

Percy walked across the room to his big poof chair in front of the fire place. Which happened to be pink plush.

"You are such a fag, Percy," Ron said going to the fridge and getting a yoo hoo.

"Oh shit," Percy said in that Oh-I-Know-You-Didn't tone. Ron and Harry laughed. Percy pulled out a gun.

"Suck on this," he pulled the trigger and barely missed Ron's shoulder by centimeters.

"Shit!" Ron yelled hitting the floor.

"It was you!" George said. "You're the murderer aren't you?! You killed Draco!!!"

"Yes! It was me! It's always been me! Mwahahaha!" Percy laughed falling back into his chair.

"But why would you do it?" Fred asked.

"Why not, my equal superior?" Percy simply replied. A white ferret ran to him from the other side of the room and he picked it up and began to stroke it.

"That makes no sense..." Ron replied.

"Silence!" Percy screamed standing abruptly dropping the ferret which bit him on the ankle before running off into the darkness. "I will not tolerate your insolence, brother! It's always been about you! Mum and Dad always liked you best! Everyone always talked about you!"

"Just cause I was friends with Harry. They never cared about me," Ron said.

"Boo frickidy hoo!" Percy screamed. "I had the best grades out of all of us and I didn't get diddly squat! All I ever heard was Ron this and Ron that! Ron, Ron, RON!!!!"

"Brady Bunch moment.." Fred said to George as they giggled. "Percy, you're such a girl."

Percy cried.

And then a sharp whistle pierced the air and captain crunch burst through the wall.

"Crunchatize me, captain!" Percy screamed.

So the captain turned him into cereal and ate him.

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END

A/N: Like it? Love it? Hate it? (You better not have..) Let us know in a REVIEW!! Love ya!!


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